When You Come Undone
by Eliza Randall
Summary: Bella returns home only to find that things aren't quite the way she left them. Enter Dr. Edward Cullen.  Forks meets Seattle Grace.  Rated M for Lemons. AH EXB canon pairings.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:

The character names belong to Stephanie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author.

Happy reading. :)

Eliza Randall 2010 (TM)

_**When You Come Undone**_

_**Words, playing me deja vu, Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before,  
Chill, is it something real, Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers  
Can't ever keep from falling apart... at the seams  
Can I believe you're taking my heart... to pieces**_

_**-Duran Duran**_

Chapter 1

Home is where the heart is...

•Bella•

Herman Melville said "Life's a voyage that's homeward bound." In this moment I understood that sentiment. The trip to Forks from Seattle wasn't a long one but it was enough that I could feel the anxiety of my youth pressing in on me. The burden I was going to face upon my arrival was something I didn't want to ponder. Jacob was fighting for his life and I would be there for him. The mere thought of that truth tore through my heart like lightening across a stormy sky. Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes and I blinked them away. I wouldn't cry. I refused to give up.

Jacob Black was my oldest friend. Growing up together, we were the daughter of the police chief and the Quileute kid who were inseparable. I think it was the not-so-secret hopes of our fathers that we'd be more than just friends. It wasn't meant to be. Jake and I weren't wired that way. _**I**_ wasn't wired that way. I loved him, as I always had, but I wasn't, nor had I ever been, in love with him. Charlie had called me on Tuesday night to let me know that Jake had taken a turn for the worse and the treatment he was undergoing was unsuccessful. The last I had heard, Jacob's leukemia was in remission and he was doing fine. This was such a cold blow from out of nowhere. I packed up my car without a second thought and left early Wednesday morning. Here I was now, locked in silent battle with grim thoughts for three and a half hours. I think I'd rather have bamboo shoots shoved underneath my nails, but this was my fate. Suck it up, Swan. Sleep was a passing fantasy while the miles stretched out before me. I was going home, for better or worse.

The house where I spent my teen years was largely unchanged. I'd moved to Forks from Phoenix to live with my Dad. Charlie Swan, my father, had retired as Chief of Police eight months ago. He now spent his time watching football or fishing with Billy Black, Jake's dad. Walking into that place was almost like stepping through a time warp, dragging me back to the awkwardness of my past. I felt like I was seventeen again instead of twenty nine. I had to remind myself that I was a grown woman and not a girl anymore. Something about Forks had that effect. I called out to Charlie as I unlocked the door. I wasn't surprised to find him sleeping on the couch, television blaring, the Redskins game on. I stepped to the table, picked up the remote and killed the offensive cheering with a button push. Charlie's eyes popped open. He smiled when they lit on my face. He clamored to his feet and wrapped me in his arms. "Daddy," I breathed and relished in the feeling of human contact. It hit me with some force just how lonely I was."It's been too long since you've been home, Bells," he chastised. It'd only been six months since I came into town and had dinner with Dad, Billy and Jake, but now it felt like an eternity. Everything had changed so damn much in such a short piece of time. "Tell me about Jake, Dad." I didn't want to ask but some dark, twisted portion of me drew out the question like a sword being unsheathed. Like the weapon, the inquiry was double edged and quite capable of cutting me to the quick. "The cancer is back. He didn't want anyone to tell you just how sick he was. He tried to be strong for you, Bella. That boy has always carried a flag for you." He muttered something about kids and not seeing the forest for the trees.

I knew in the back of my mind Jake was in love with me. It was simply something I thought he'd outgrow. I guess I was terribly wrong. I gasped as a sharp pain of regret stabbed my heart. The tears loomed again but I would prevail over them once more.

I was drowning in the thoughts of what could have been. I could have been Bella Black with ease. That life held its arms wide open to me. It would have been so much simpler than the path I'd etched out for myself.

If Jake and I would have taken that next step, I'm sure we'd have a couple of kids now. Maybe a little girl with Jake's shining black hair and solemn eyes and a boy with his crooked smile and my father's nose. I'd be a teacher at the rez school and he'd run his mechanic business. Had he spent his life pining for me? All signs pointed to yes. Guilt left a bitter taste in my mouth and I choked on it swallowing it down. Too much time had passed to even consider what might have been. But still, the thoughts of it lingered.

I composed myself and hugged Charlie goodbye. My stomach seemed to twist itself in knots of epic Boy Scout proportions as I came closer and closer to the hospital. I gripped the steering wheel of my Jeep like a lifeline. I did not want to go into that cold, sterile room and see him looking defeated and broken. My stomach clenched at the image stamping itself in my brain. Realistically, I knew what awaited me but the shock of seeing Jacob Black in that bed was something I never could have prepared for. His eyes, dull and glassy from the medication being pumped through his system, met mine. They had lost the mischief and happiness that had been there the last time I'd seen him. "Jake." I whispered. "Baby Bells," he croaked out and lifted his hand to me. I moved to the bedside and took his proffered hand. It was still large and warm and reminded me of brighter days. His fingers engulfed mine and pulled. He was still quite strong much to my surprise, but then again Jake had never been frail. I climbed into the bed with him, trying to mind the wires of the iv and the monitoring equipment that was attached to him. He wrapped me in his arms, his chin resting on the top of my head and held me. It was hard to say who was comforting whom. "Why, Jacob? Why did you wait so long to tell me? I could have been here for you." He said nothing for the longest minutes."I love you, Bella," was whispered against my hair. I nodded and responded in kind. "I didn't want you to see me this way. I wanted to be strong. I needed to be whole for you." Jacob drew a labored breath, then slipped into a medicated sleep. Once more, I was left alone with thoughts I didn't want. I listened to his heart beating below my ear and was soothed by the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. I prayed to a god that I wasn't sure that I believed in then cried myself to sleep. The tears won out this time. I was just tired of being strong. At least no one saw.

Sometime later, as I still lay on the bed with Jake's six foot, six inch frame taking most of the space, the door opened, spilling light into the dim room. A white lab coat appeared in my peripheral vision and then came nearer. The figure, carrying a chart reached the bed only to loom over me. Slowly coming to my senses, I fumbled for an explanation as to why I was in bed with Jake before I fully looked at the doctor. He was tall, maybe, six one with unruly shining, copperish hair. It looked like his hands had been dragged through it repeatedly. He had that rumpled, sexy, doctor look and my female mind was appreciating the view. The man filled out a pair of periwinkle scrubs like an Adonis. I continued my assent until I reached his face. His eyes were golden, cinnamon brown and he had the fullest lips. Those lips would certainly know how to kiss. I was surveying the land like a hungry prospector looking for a claim to jump. Recognition hit me like a sledge hammer and ended my survey like a traffic light suddenly gone red. Oh my god, it couldn't be. My hand flew to my mouth, eyes widened with shock. A startled sound escaped my lips before I could contain it. "Edward?" It _**was**_ Edward Cullen and from the looks of it he was just as surprised to see me as I was him. Holy mother of God. Fucking Forks. "Hi, Bella," rolled off his tongue. The sound of my name leaving his mouth was enough to drag me kicking and screaming down memory lane.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer:  
The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author.**_

_**Shout out to the best Betas, ever, Edward's Eternal & Yo of AST. And let me not forget my girls, because without them none of this would be possible. Sparklepire hugs to you!**_

TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2010 ™

_**Chapter 2**_

_**Watching the world wake up from history...**__****_

I saw the decade in, when it seemed  
the world could change at the blink of an eye  
And if anything  
then there's your sign... of the times  
I was alive and I waited, waited  
I was alive and I waited for this  
Right here, right now  
there is no other place I want to be  
Right here, right now  
watching the world wake up from history

_**-Jesus Jones-, Right Here, Right Now**_

•Edward•

What the hell was that offensive noise? It sounded like the walls were coming down. Better yet, maybe my brain was trying to escape my skull. I sat straight up, covered in a cold sweat, reaching for her. In my mind, I watched Bella slipping further away from me. It was almost as if she were being dragged away by an invisible force. My heart was beating so hard, I thought it was fighting to get out of my chest. Damn, my mind was failing me. I heard it again, the annoying sound. Somebody was banging on the door of the on-call room. So much for the thirty minute nap I'd tried to snag. Whoever was on the other side of the door was shouting for Dr. Cullen. Even now, I fought the urge to look for my dad. I raked my hands through the crazy mess that I called hair and then dragged them down my face. Thinking of Bella Swan always left me feeling unsettled . I would fight these demons on my own time. I got off the cot, stretched and put on my game face. I had patients to see.

How I'd hated the smell of a hospital when I was a kid. I'd spent more time in these halls growing up than I had in my home. Hell, this _**was**_ my home for all intents and purposes. Walking in the shadow of famed surgeon, Carlisle Cullen was no easy task. I had no desire to be a doctor. I didn't want the responsibility. I never yearned to hold another's life in my hands and know that I could be the difference between life and death. I did not want to, so I'd high-tailed it out of Forks as soon as I could. It was either leave or lose my fucking mind. In the end, I had become my father, no matter how hard I fought it. Years of medical school and residency later, _**I**_ was Dr. Cullen.

My shoes squeaked on the cold, hard tile floors of the oncology ward. I hated being on this service. I dreaded the looks of desolation and hopelessness on the faces of the patients as they were told there was nothing more modern medicine could do. The children were the worst, though. Seeing their naked heads, their eyes that had already seen more than any child should haunted me. My heart ached at the sight of their pale, fragile, little bodies attacking themselves, riddled with toxic substances to make them better; it was so unfair. I took this image away with me every time I was forced to do a rotation here. I'd never admit it to anyone, but I cried myself to sleep more than once over this wing of Forks General Hospital. I envied them however, for a faith in something that wasn't tangible. I wasn't certain I believed in God anymore. At this point, I'm not sure I ever did. So I cried. I cried for the lives cut too short, I cried for myself and I cried for what could have been. Surely a true god would be more merciful than this?

I'd been on rounds for thirty six hours and had one more patient to check on before it was time for a Corona or three and bed. I grabbed the final chart and read: Jacob Black, twenty-seven, diagnosis of acute lymphocytic leukemia. I knew Jake from around here. Forks and La Push were really small towns. Everybody knew everything about everybody. You couldn't buy a new shirt and jeans here without your neighbors knowing about it. Black and I hadn't always seen eye to eye, as he thought I was a spoiled little rich kid and I thought he had his head up his rectum and a huge chip on his shoulder. But then there was Bella. Jacob thought that the sun shone out of Bella Swan's ass. I was apt to agree. She had that effect on people, or at least on the male population. She'd gotten to me that way, for sure. She was the kind of girl that was stunning in her own right and never knew it. Bella had been my focus, the one thing that kept me grounded. Well, until I left Forks, Washington, determined to never come back. There was too much pressure, too many expectations; I had to get away from here, from the legacy of being who I was. Isabella Swan was too pure to be twisted up with me. Twelve years ago, I thought leaving was best, but now? Ever since that day, I just pondered what could have been.

She came home six months ago. I saw her, sitting in the little diner with her father and Jacob. I wanted so damn badly to talk to her. She smiled and I knew that I was a fucking coward. It hurt so badly I couldn't breathe. Knowing she was here, close enough for me to touch and I couldn't even say the words. I was oddly happy that she didn't see me. I didn't want to see that pain in her eyes and know I was the reason for it. Bella looked happy and I had no right to even think about her. I'd nearly destroyed her once. Alice, my sister, had kept me clued in with the happenings of Forks even after I'd gone to Arizona. I knew what Bella had suffered, maybe because I had suffered too. I walked away from her again, but this time it was because I had no other choice. I would not hurt her again. The proverb about making your bed and lying in it had become my existence.

Dammit, I couldn't afford to do this to myself today. Not now, not right before I had to go in and deal with this, with him. I knew Jake had been there for her when I'd forsaken her. I both thanked and hated him for it. Pride goeth before the fall, so I wouldn't let teenage angst dictate my professionalism. I inhaled and rapped on the door lightly before entering. The first thing I saw was a female figure tucked alongside my patient. Her face was obscured by a cloak of wavy hair of an indeterminable color in this shitty lighting. My body reacted to the sight of hers, reminding me that I really needed to get laid. Damn it, Cullen! Get it together, I scolded myself. I couldn't help myself. I had to look at her again. I noticed the curve of her hip, the swell of her rounded ass and her lean legs. Like freaking Rupunzel, the mane was hindering my fantasy. Finally, the hair moved, baring mocha chocoolate eyes I thought I'd never see again. Bella. I watched her. She took in my hair and then started her perusal at my feet. My system went into overload as I stood still. It was a deer in the headlights reaction. I didn't know whether to flee or man up. I couldn't move. I barely remembered to breathe. When Bella's eyes lit on my mouth, they lingered. I fought the urge to yank her off the bed, away from Jake and lay those very lips to hers. I had the feral need to taste her, to see if she rivaled my memory. A gasp left her mouth as soon as she realized who I was. My name left her lips on something similar to a sigh or maybe it was a plea.

"Hi, Bella," It came out like I wasn't shaking down to the soles of my over priced sneakers.

I made sure that nothing registered on my face except surprise. I should have fucking known she'd come home for Jake. All the nights I wished for her to come back to Forks and she comes back for him. Rage rushed through me. Jealousy, the green monster, raced through my veins seeing her in such proximity to Black.

"Edward," My name was on her lips.

I wondered if it tasted as good as it sounded. Somehow I doubted it because it sounded really fucking good, almost too good, since my blood has rushed straight to my dick. Great, like I needed _him_ to take over and do my thinking.

"I need you to extricate yourself from my patient, Bella. I need to check his vitals."

She moved, trying to disengage herself from the narrow bed and somehow ended up getting caught in the cords attached to Jake. A burst of adrenaline moved me to her before that pretty face met the floor. What I had not considered in that moment was saving her from humiliation meant that I would get to touch her. The instant that my skin came into contact with hers, there was nothing in the world but the two of us, everything else didn't matter. Electricity ran through my body like I'd grabbed a live wire. She was flush against me, her breasts plastered across the wall of my chest. Bella raised her eyes to meet mine. They were large and confused but there was something else there I dared not name. I released her just as quickly as I'd held her.

"I'm sorry."

I mumbled, while I made the fastest assessment ever. Jacob's eyes flashed open at the sound of my words and like a magnet, were on me. He made a sound that could have passed for a growl. Fucking dog I thought as I fought the urge to not flip him the double bird. I fled, once more from her, from him, from _**this**_, like the punk I am.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer:  
The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author._

_Shout out to the best Betas, ever, Edward's Eternal & Yo of AST. And let me not forget my girls, because without them none of this would be possible. Sparklepire hugs to you! _

_TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2010 ™_

_**Chapter 3**_

_**Never Again Is What You Swore The Time Before…**_

_**It's just time to pay the price  
For not listening to advice  
And deciding in your youth  
On the policy of truth**_

Things could be so different now  
It used to be so civilized  
You will always wonder how  
It could have been if you'd only lied

It's too late to change events  
It's time to face the consequence  
For delivering the proof  
In the policy of truth…

_**-Depeche Mode-Policy of Truth**_

•Bella•

I must be dreaming. This had to be the nightmare that wouldn't end or perhaps it was shock. Better yet, maybe _**I**_ was dead and this was purgatory. Edward Cullen. My mind and body warred with one another just at the sight of him. How was I to know he'd be here? Last I heard he was in sunny Phoenix, far away from the rain and me. I'd given up trying to be friends with Alice years ago. It was just too painful. Every time I heard her voice, I was plunged back into the past and it was all I could do to not ask about Edward. I knew how close the two of them were so I just gave up. I would be damned before I let him know what he'd reduced me to. I swore I'd stopped loving him years ago, that he had never meant as much as I'd thought he did. I wish I could claim some of that resolve now. Standing here, this close to him, nothing was simple.

His voice speaking my name was almost enough to spur me into something stupid, like throwing myself into his arms. I wondered if he still smelled as delicious as I remembered. I swear the scent of him was etched so deep into my brain that I'd never forget it. In fact, once I was in a store in Seattle and thought I had picked up his particular scent. Like a blood hound, I followed my nose, only to be sorely disappointed when I found the source that was _**not**_ Edward by any means. I was such a fool for this man, even now, all these years later. He drove me to the brink of madness once and sadly I knew that I'd let him do it again and again. It's a sick carousel cycle, but at least I was smart enough to face the facts. The proof was staring back at me. The living, breathing evidence of my insanity and my weakness stood before me. Edward's name was on my lips and out of my mouth before I had a chance to even think about what I was saying. The instant that it reached his ears a look akin to pain flashed across his beautiful face. I hadn't even had a second to recover from seeing the man who once held the moon and stars for me, when he deemed it necessary to break the spell with words. Subjects, verbs and adjectives, how they always managed to get in the way.

"I need you to extricate yourself from my patient, Bella. I need to check his vitals."

The husky timbre of his voice reached low into my stomach and then even lower, but it shouldn't have considering the message it carried. I made the grave error of trying to read him while attempting to get off the bed with Jake. I should have known better, because I'm one of those _special_ people who make tripping on flat surfaces look like an Olympic event. I was quickly ensnared in some wiring and was plunging headlong to the floor. Suddenly, the world was righted and I was pressed against something equally hard and unyielding. I was flush with Edward's chest. I was wrapped in the scent that had held me hostage for years. Spicy, clean and uniquely Edward, I wish I could pause this instant and play it over and again at my leisure. I was back in his arms and I didn't care how or where. His heart was beating so hard, I could feel it bumping out a cadence into my flesh. I had to tamp down the instinct to mesh harder with him. I wanted to wind my arms around him, hold tight and never let go. I tipped my face up to meet his. Confusion swirled in my blood and I'm quite certain that it was painfully obvious in my eyes. I shouldn't want this, but I did. I had no more time to even consider it before I was left standing alone. The absence of his body caused me physical pain and left me gasping for air. He let me go just as quickly as he'd held me. Was that moment all in my head? Just when I had convinced myself I'd imagined the whole damned thing, he apologized. So I wasn't losing it, not yet anyway. If I spent much more time with him anything was possible.

I watched him check Jake's pulse and blood pressure before moving on to take his temperature. I stood back, observing Edward. I was fascinated by the muscles of his back rippling underneath the world's sexiest scrubs, ever. He leaned over the bed to adjust the setting on a piece of equipment, causing his sleeve to creep up. I caught the barest glimpse of black ink peeking out before he shoved the offending sleeve back into place. The man he'd become was even more beautiful than the boy he had been. He was harder, leaner and even more solemn than the Edward I knew. Time had been kind to him and I was glad of that.

Suddenly, a low, guttural sound issued from Jacob's throat. I snapped from my musings, having no clue that he was even awake; much less that he had witnessed me against the chest that starred in some of my favorite fantasies. Jacob Black had freaking growled. Damn, what was next? Would he leap from the bed, lift his leg and pee on me? Oh snap, Fido, check the testosterone! I felt like a steak tossed between two voracious pit bulls. Edward's face showed no emotion, but the tiny tic in his jaw gave him away. It was comforting to see that trait had accompanied him into adulthood. The familiarity of it nearly caused me to smile. I tore my eyes away from the sight of him and turned back to look at Jacob. He looked so desolate. Guilt clouded the annoyance flowing through me. How could I be even the slightest bit annoyed with Jake? I heard the sound of the doorknob turning. My attention snapped back to Edward, who allowed his gaze to sweep along my face once more before he practically ran from the room.

The tiny fractures in my heart I thought had healed were gaping open and pouring blood. Was being near me that horrific and painful? I guess so. The slamming of the door served as punctuation. I inhaled and tried to hold the tears at bay. I needed answers and Cullen was the only one who could provide them. Fighting my better judgment, I followed in Edward's wake. He was already half way down the hall before I caught up. Damn him and his long legs. I wasn't going to allow him an escape when there was so much I needed to say. No, not this time.

"I need answers, Edward, or should I refer to you as Dr. Cullen? What am I looking at with Jacob? Is there a treatment or am I here to watch him die?"

My questions came out laced with so much venom and condescension I nearly choked on them. He didn't turn to face me, so I placed my hand on his arm. The feeling of his naked skin on mine sent a million memories coursing through the depths of my mind. Images of steamy windows and silver Volvos swirled in my head. I remembered the feel of his lips and the length of his body pressed to mine. I inhaled quickly and exhaled raggedly. Edward's hand came to rest atop mine still on his arm. Concern filled his eyes.

"Bella, are you okay?"

How could I tell him that it wasn't my concern for Jake that had warranted my reaction? I couldn't. I gave up fighting the tears any longer. Edward brushed the first few away with his thumbs and then gave up. He pulled me back to his chest and held me while I sobbed. The dam had broken. I felt broken. Here in the hallway of Forks General Hospital, in the arms of the only man I'd ever really loved, I cried.

"Bells, please don't. Jake's outlook isn't that grim. Please stop crying."

He was whispering into my hair and rubbing my back. If Edward only knew I was crying for him too. Could he give me the prognosis of us, for my broken heart? The frantic edge to his voice stopped me from speaking, not that I was capable of it at the moment. I'd given up trying to be friends with Alice some years back. Finally, after a brief infinity, my tears had run dry. My sobs had turned to hiccups and he had stopped rocking me. I pulled away from him and noticed that his shirt was soaked where my face had been tucked against it. I looked at him, prepared to apologize, and then he did something that made my heart slow. He cocked his head to the side, bit his bottom lip and shrugged. Laughter bubbled inside my throat and drifted out.

"Look, I know this is probably a terrible idea, but I'm off now." He stopped talking.

"You're off now… and?"

I sounded like I'd eaten gravel. I was inwardly cringing, knowing my face must look like crap. My vanity didn't stop me from half hoping he was going to invite me for a round of hot, sweaty, nakedness. God, Isabella! I chided myself. There had been others since him, but no one would ever measure up to Edward. A few minutes in his arms and my hormones were all over the map. Pheromones, I was blaming everything on those and lack of sleep.

He rubbed his eyes. "Wanna get some coffee?"

Holy shit ! I could only nod because I was sure my voice box was in the pit of my stomach.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer:  
The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author. And yep, you've waited long enough. Smut is coming! Smooches!**_

_**Shout out to the best Betas, ever, Edward's Eternal & Yo of AST. And let me not forget my girls, because without them none of this would be possible. Sparklepire hugs to you!**_

_**TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2010 ™**_

_**Chapter 4**_

_**If Just for Tonight, Darling...**_

_**Touch me; I'm cold, unable to control**_

_**Touch me, I'm golden and wild as the wind blows**_

_**And tumbling, tumbling, don't go fascination**_

_**If just for tonight darling, let's get lost**_

_**If just for tonight darling, let's get lost**_

_**Let me come closer, I'm not your shadow**_

_**With our eyes shielding from the oncoming counts**_

_**It's not hard for us to say what we should not**_

_**If just for tonight darling, let's get lost...**_

_**Bat For Lashes- Let's Get Lost**_

•_**Edward•**_

"Wanna get some coffee?"

I didn't seem to be in control of all my mental facilities anymore. That and I think my hearing was gone now, too. Because I know I _**didn't**_ just ask Isabella Swan to coffee. Coffee, where I could sit with her, make conversation, be close to her, surely I didn't. Any minute now, I would wake up from this fantasy where I had touched Bella and Bella had touched me. Bella had _**agreed**_ to have coffee with me. Maybe I should go down for a pet scan as soon as possible. Perhaps _**I**_ had a tumor. I inhaled, counted to ten and blinked. Nope, she was still there. Okay, that was a good sign, I think. Fuck, see _**that**_ was my issue. I thought too damn much! Go with the flow here, Cullen. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Fantastic, I was driving myself into a full blown panic attack! I snapped out of it enough to take a peek at Bella's face. She was gaping at me like I had sprouted another head. Damn, damn and double damn. I didn't want her to think I was a raging psycho. I mean I might be borderline, but I'm no Dexter Morgan, although I had been entertaining the idea of offing Jacob Black for the last fifteen minutes or so.

"Um, Edward, are you okay? You look like you're about to toss your cookies."

How on god's green Earth could she say something like that and still look fuckhot? For fuck's sake, dude! Man up! Do this! My mental pep talk wasn't helping, _**AT ALL.**_

"Yeah, Bella, I'm good. So, coffee, yes?"

I ran my hands through the disaster perched upon my head. I was not good. I was freaking the hell out.

"Okay, but I need to check on Jake before we leave."

She was chewing her bottom lip like it was gum. Why, _why_ did her mouth have to look so kissable?

"I'd expect nothing less."

I turned and followed her back down the corridor. She opened the door and crept inside. Jake was sleeping again, but it was for the best. I watched her pick up his hand, raise it to her lips and whisper against it. The big green machine that had taken root inside me flared to life. I had to find something to do. It was either that or I was going scream. Picking up Black's chart yet again, I noted that he was due for a shot of pain medication. Call me a bastard, but I wanted to make sure that my Bella time wasn't interrupted. Slipping out the door and to the nurse's station, I picked up the required meds and a syringe. She was still standing there holding his hand, looking like someone had kicked her dog when I returned. Her eyes were huge and luminous as she saw me fill the doorway. God, how did I ever let her go? I pulled the syringe, loaded it and released the drugs into the IV. Bella observed me, but said nothing.

"I wanted him to be comfortable, so you wouldn't worry."

Her eyes narrowed a fraction. "Oh."

I think she knew my secret motive. She stroked his hair a final time then asked me if I was ready to leave. I nodded and held the door for her. I had to make a quick stop by the lounge to drop my lab coat and grab my keys. We made our way to the parking garage. Bella looked at me, confusion marring her fantastic features. I kept walking. I stopped beside my Cadillac Escalade, pulled out the remote and unlocked the doors. I opened the passenger side with some flourish and bowed like an old school chauffeur.

"After you, Madame."

She was chewing her bottom lip again. Damn.

"Uh, I thought we were going for coffee, Edward."

My brain was flying at some rate of speed that I'm sure couldn't be measured by science. I had about a million sexy scenarios playing out in my sexually frustrated brain. Being near her chucked my usual restraint right out the window. What was more surprising was the fact that I really liked it. Straight laced Edward worked too damn much, rarely slept and hardly dated. Translation: Dr. Cullen is getting no action. Don't misunderstand, there are always offers, I just choose not to deal with the bullshit.

"We are going for coffee, but I refuse to subject you to the sludge that passes for it in that place." acknowledging the hospital with a jerk of my head. "Besides, my place is five minutes from here _**and**_ I have an espresso machine."

I kinda blushed at that admission. A smile nearly as a bright as a hundred watt bulb lit up Bella's face. I'd always been a caffeine junkie. She climbed up in the truck and I couldn't help my eyes from traveling up the length of her long, bare, shapely leg. Damn that black pencil skirt! Little Edward was awake and throbbing inside my pants. Down boy, I thought. Play it cool. The image of my lips kissing her from her toes to between her legs lingered even after I tried to banish it. No such luck today, it was lodged in my subconscious. I shut the door with more force than necessary, making Bella jump, then walked around the back of the vehicle. I palmed my dick and silently pleaded with him to behave, then adjusted to a more comfortable position. Climbing into the Cadillac was no easy feat as it was with the lift kit it boasted, but attempting to do so with a raging boner was nearly impossible without risking permanent injury. God forbid I should be out of commission or damage anything I hoped like hell I'd need later. I shuddered at the thought. Somehow, I managed to get in and buckle up before I glanced at Bella. She was wearing a smirk and her eyes were glued to my crotch. I nearly groaned. What in the hell was I thinking when I asked her to coffee? Duh, I was thinking of sliding my tongue down her throat and then slipping my co-. She cleared her throat and shook me from my triple x daydream.

"I can't seem to get the seat belt to fasten. Help, please."

I leaned over, took the belt from her. The smell of cinnamon and something sweet, vanilla maybe, rushed to my head and then straight to my already stiff member. I couldn't hold back the groan this time. Her breasts were right in my face, like a glorious buffet laid out before me. I could make out the lacy pattern that topped the cups. Satin, lace and Bella's boobs. Please, for the love of god and all that's holy, let her clothes disintegrate. Praying obviously wasn't my strong point, but in this instance I was willing to plead with any deity that would listen and possibly favor me. I dragged my sight away from her boobs and then further up to her mouth. Her full lips were parted as if she wanted to say something. Fuck it. I was kissing her. I'd deal with the repercussions later. I need to taste her like I needed to breathe. I didn't think about it anymore, I just levered up so that I was eye level with her. Curiosity showed in her expression. Holy hell, she wanted this too! My tongue darted out and traced her bottom lip, then my mouth was on hers. Oh my damn, my memory had nothing on the taste of Bella. Her tongue slid against mine, stroking, mating, driving me out of my mind. I pressed her back into the seat, mentally patting myself on the back for having a low console. She strained against me, grinding her chest into mine. Without any hesitation I palmed one soft swell, feeling the peak harden in my hand. She whimpered. I was a goner. When my name exited her mouth on a sigh I took it as a green light. My tongue was still inside Bella's mouth, eating at her like she was the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted. If I was really in the frame of mind to consider such things I'd admit she indeed was. The hand that was tormenting her nipple slipped down to the apex of her thighs. While I was pushing her skirt up she was writhing against me harder, spurring me on. I toyed with the edge of her panties. She was so damn hot, heat was rising off her like steam after the rain.

"Edward, please. Just touch me."

So I did. My finger dipped into the tight, wet, haven of Bella. She was so wet, I added another finger and stroked her center with my thumb. It wasn't long before her whole body began quivering.

"Edward. Edward. Edward," her was voice ragged, chanting my name as she tumbled over the edge.

"Tell me you want me, Isabella," I growled.

I'd learned long ago that the only time she really responded to 'Isabella' was in the heat of the moment. I was damn sure using this to my advantage.

"God, I want you."

"Where do you want me, Isabella?"

"I want you inside me, Edward. Fuck me."

The tethers on my control snapped. Don't ask me how, but in the next second, we were on the backseat and I was crouched between her thighs. I moved to her pastel green shirt and made short work of the tiny buttons that adorned it. Finally, I was down to the pale jade satin and lace. I was fixated with the harsh movements of her chest. Bella's breath was coming in staccato pants and her skin was flushed. I fumbled between the twin peaks and unsnapped her bra. I was fixated with the sight of those candy pink tipped nipples rising and falling with each breath. My lips, of their own accord wrapped around one and my hand fondled the other. Bella's moans were making me so hard I feared I might burst out of my pants like the Incredible Hulk. You wouldn't like Edward when he's horny. My name falling from her lips was better than any sound I've heard of might ever hear again. My free hand made its way down her ribcage, then lower to her stomach, but before I could go any further, Bella was grasping for the waistband of my scrubs. She was groping blindly, so I helped her release me from the confines of the pants and my boxers. I was hard and heavy from wanting her. Her small hand pumped me once, then twice.

"Isabella," I hissed "Baby, stop or I'm going to go off like a damn teenager in your hand."

She giggled. I growled. Well, we were about to see who would have the last laugh. I kissed my down her front until my face was level with her pussy. I blew a hot stream across her damp panties. Fuck, they were soaked. I cupped her through the satin before I tugged them down her legs. My cock twitched with anticipation of getting inside her, but I wanted her out of her mind from wanting me. The first stroke of my tongue against her clit had her bucking against me. My hands moved up to hold her hips down while I continued my sensual assault.

"Edward, please. Please."

"Please, what Isabella?"

"I need you."

Those three words from her were tantamount to a white flag. I needed no more encouragement. I stroked myself before running the head of my dick between the wet folds, then -over her clit, making her moan. Bella awaited me and I waited no further until I slipped home. I fought for control of myself. She was so damn tight and pulsing around me. I wanted this to be good for us both. My teeth were grinding fiercely.

"Baby, please relax," I pleaded with her.

By slow degrees I sank inside her until I was completely buried. I didn't pull out immediately, but I thrust in a little further. Bella panted, her eyes were wide with lust. When I began to move out of her she whimpered making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I couldn't take the torture so I slammed back into her again and again until we were both spent. I collapsed atop her, fighting for air, still inside her. Her heartbeat was erratic under my ear. Bella tangled her hands in my hair, holding me close to her, murmuring something I couldn't quite understand. A high pitched sound of a car alarm shattered the cocoon that we'd created. Bella shot forward, pushing me off her.

"Oh my god! What the fuck did we just do? We're in a parking lot at the fucking hospital! Anyone could have wondered by and been privy to the porn show that we just put on!"

She was seething. That was the only other time Bella ever swore. Hearing fuck come out of her mouth was making me hard all over again. Before I could even entertain the thought of that again I had to diffuse this bomb. I pulled her into a hug.

"Hey, Bells, calm down. These windows are limousine tinted. Nobody's seeing anything."

She sniffled and I leaned back from her. She was crying. Gigantic tears were rolling down her face. I was so damn screwed.

Fuck you, Fate. Sincerely, Edward Cullen.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer:**_

_**The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author.**_

_**Shout out to the best Betas, ever, Edward's Eternal & Yo of AST. And let me not forget my girls, because without them none of this would be possible. Sparklepire fanged smooches to you!**_

_**TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2010 ™**_

_**Chapter 5**_

_**It's nothing I planned**_

_**I promise I might**_

_**Not walk on by**_

_**Maybe next time**_

_**But not this time**_

_**Even though I know**_

_**I don't wanna know**_

_**Yeah I guess I know**_

_**I just hate how it sounds**_

_**If I traded it all**_

_**If I gave it all away for one thing**_

_**Just for one thing**_

_**If I sorted it out**_

_**If I knew all about this one thing**_

_**Wouldn't that be something? **___

_**-**__**One Thing—Finger 11**_

•_**Bella•**_

Coffee, he'd said. Breathe, Bella, just breathe, I told myself. It seemed like such a daunting task. I was secretly delighted and at the same time feared for my sanity at the prospect of having time with him. Edward looked like he was going to hurl, so I called him out on it. I was so relieved that I wasn't the only one who was nervous. This was a good thing, I think. I was fully prepared to sit in the cafeteria with him, play nice and make idle conversation. It would be totally safe. There would be throngs of people venturing by, as there always were in places like these. I needed to know what I was up against with Jake. I would swallow my pride for that reason alone. I resolved to also maintain a tight hold on myself around Edward. I might still want him but I'll be damned before I let him make a fool of me again. My subconscious taunted me, in a sing song voice.

"_**Although the sight of him makes you want to grind up against him to see if he was really as good as you remembered or if your memories were embellished by time?. Face it, sister, the man makes you wanna get horizontal."**_

Shut up, shut up, for the love of fuck, shut up, I thought bitterly at the voice. I fought the urge to put my hands over my ears. Really, what good would that do, considering it was all in my damn head? This was so not the time for this, so back to the present I came; back to here and now and all the pestilence it held.

Checking on Jake was an essential thing for me before I went anywhere. I wanted to let him know I was leaving and that I'd be back. I'd told Edward as much, so off I went with the good doctor trailing behind. I could damn near feel him burning a hole in my back. To my credit I never turned around and let him know he was making me squirm. Point Swan. I stood at the door, my hand on the knob. I did not want to push it open. Each time I was forced to walk into that hospital room a small piece of the hope I'd built up crumbled. It was so hard to be positive when the outcome seemed so grim. Jake's eyes were closed when I lifted his hand to press a kiss to the back of it, right above the IV tape. I could see the bruising from the needles going in and out of his skin. I wanted nothing more than to take his pain and make it my own, anything to see him healthy again. I would gladly suffer for my friend. I turned in time to see Edward filling the door only moments after he'd exited it. My breath caught in my throat and I berated myself for the involuntary reaction to him. Shouldn't that have worn off years ago? Well, it didn't. He came over, took the hand that was in mine and injected medication. I shot him a look of question and he mumbled something about keeping Jake comfortable. I chose not to make an issue of it, although I was sorely tempted. Needing to feel grounded, I focused on Jake and ran my fingers through the inky locks. Edward asked me if I was ready to go, so I nodded.

I followed him through the halls, to a lounge where he stashed his lab coat and onto the elevator, not really paying attention to where we were going, but watching the play of muscles across Edward's broad back. The clenching in my stomach was quite distracting. I hated myself for not looking away, but why should I deny my own pleasure? It wasn't like he could see me anyway and he just utilized the same tactic. I was a million miles away when I found myself in doctor's parking lot. We had stopped in front of a chromed out, ice blue Escalade. My brow arched, and I cast Edward a quizzical look. He wasn't deterred in the least, but only moved to open the passenger door and hold it.

"Uh, I thought we were going for coffee, Edward."

He blushed as he admitted that he lived nearby and he had an espresso machine. I grinned and stifled a laugh. The little things comforted me more than I dared admit. Those tiny details that came with really knowing someone really made it hard not to fall back into the past. Against my better judgment, I climbed up into his truck and watched his gaze travel the length of my leg. I was suddenly finding it hard to breathe. He backed away and slammed the door, hard. Watching him in the rearview mirror was my own brand of torture. He was muttering to himself. How could I still want him after everything? Because I'm a damn fool, that's how. Edward cautiously got into the driver's seat. His face was an ugly grimace that caused some concern for me, well, until I saw the obvious bulge in his pants. Then his crotch was like a magnet and I could not tear my eyes away. I smirked, knowing he was hard for me. I was giddy over the fact that he still wanted me. Holy hell, I had to snap out of it, so I fumbled with the seatbelt. And as my luck would have it, the damn thing refused to fasten.

"I can't seem to get the seat belt to fasten. Help, please."

Want was making me clumsy. I hated to ask him because I felt like a retard that couldn't even manage something this simple. He leaned forward and I fought the urge to plow my fingers through his unruly rust colored locks. Edward was so close, too close, and not nearly close enough. The scent of him held wrapped me like a lover. He groaned and then I realized the precarious position we were in. His face was level with my chest. He raised his face until our eyes clashed. Cinnamon on chocolate, our gazes fused together. There was a maelstrom of emotion swirling in depths of his. A sharp intake of breath met my ears and I knew he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him, period. I needed Edward to devour me. I started to speak scant seconds before his tongue dragged across my bottom lip and then his mouth was on mine. The taste of him rushed straight to my head like a stiff drink. He cupped my breast in his hand and I was floundering like a fish out of water. I'd had a tiny taste and now I wanted more. I wanted it all.

"Edward."

It came out on a sigh, or maybe it was a prayer. I asked him to touch me. He worked his way to where I wanted him most. His fingers quested beneath my skirt, making me incoherent with anticipation. I wanted to Edward to fill me up until I couldn't hold anymore. I was so fucking out of control, moaning his name, straining against him, urging him on. I was begging him to touch me, my pride forgotten. When his fingers slipped inside me, I stopped moving and rode the high that only he could bring. He called me Isabella. He used the secret weapon. I got off on dominance and he knew it. Did he forget that I also knew what he liked? Edward Cullen, as proper as he outwardly appeared, loved to hear 'fuck' come out of my mouth. It takes two to tango. Thank god I was with it enough to play that trump card even though he was working his magic mouth across my upper body.

"I want you inside me, Edward. Fuck me."

Before I could even gauge his reaction, I was on the backseat, beneath him, his hands all over me, and my hands all over him. I struggled to get him out of his clothes, to drink him in. God, the man was beautiful. I found myself tracing the dark bands of ink etched into his skin and trying to make sense of words in a language I didn't have the concentration to comprehend. His mouth was everywhere. I had no thoughts of anything except his naked skin on mine. Edward's body coupled with mine. I wanted him to feel as exposed as me and soon he was. My hand went around him, making him hiss my name.

"Isabella," he hissed "Baby, stop or I'm going to go off like a damn teenager in your hand."

I couldn't stave off the giggle. His brow furrowed and determination colored his face, uh oh. He kissed his way down me until he was right above my mound. It took every single ounce of self control I had to not arch up to meet his face. It was too damn much. I wanted him and he was toying with me. Finally, I was bared to him. He looked positively wicked, staring up the length of my body, framed by my open thighs. The sight of him there was nothing compared to the feeling of the first pass he made against me. His hands held my hips in place while he made love to me with his mouth. I was burning from the inside out. Flames licked at me just as Edward did.

"I need you."

It rolled off my tongue and the taste of surrender was foreign. I had no more time to think before he was kneeling, poised to enter. He pressed in, pleading with me to relax. How in the hell was I suppose to manage that when I was coming undone? He sank into me and I felt like I'd been hit with lightening. It course through my veins. Stroke for stroke I met him, giving as well as I got. Oblivion claimed me, throwing me over the precipice of desire. The weight of Edward was scrumptious, pinning me beneath him. My fingers tangled in his crazy hair, holding him to me. Out of nowhere a shrill sound invaded the silence, reminding me of just where I was. My hands flew to Edward's chest. I was pressing against him, uselessly trying to move. Fury washed over me in such a way that I was immersed in a world of crimson. I had crashed and burned. That's what's to be expected when you fly too fucking close to the sun. You incinerate.

"Oh my god! What the fuck did we just do? We're in a parking lot at the fucking hospital! Anyone could have wondered by and been privy to the porn show that we just put on!"

My whole body flushed, both with anger and at the thought of what had just taken place.

"Hey Bells, calm down. These windows are limousine tinted. Nobody could see anything. We're okay. I promise."

To even further the mortification I was experiencing, I sniffled and started to cry. What the fuck? What was it about this man who punched ginormous holes in the façade I'd held up for so long? For the second time in as many hours I was bawling like a baby in front of Edward. He looked rightfully panicked, like he was looking for a hole to hide in. Technically he'd found one. The second I correlated those two thoughts, fresh tears joined their predecessors. I hated that he still had so much power of me and I felt like I had none. In truth, I had no power over anything in my life. Not Jacob, not coming home and certainly not the feelings that lingered for the man in front of me. Shame diluted with bitter tasting guilt filled my mouth. I sobbed again and Edward, still wearing a look of fear and nothing else, crushed me to his chest. In his mind, I assumed that holding me equaled pacification. He might have been on to something. I wanted to curl up in the fetal position, make myself as small as possible and just disappear. I was so shattered. Nothing of me seemed mine anymore. I imagine that this must be how Humpty Dumpty felt, but in this case there was no one to put Bella back together again. It was hopeless. Being in love with him was hopeless, the thought of saving Jake was hopeless and trying to staunch these fucking tears was hopeless, too. I turned my face back to the band of ink on his bicep. Of their own volition, my nails skimmed the dark lines and blood red words. In spite of the blurriness, I made out one of part of the phrased etched into his skin. Deo, Latin for God. I was on the backseat of Edward Cullen's vehicle, in a parking lot, naked as the day I was born and I was focused on his fucking tattoo. I needed a Thorazine drip and one of those nice jackets that made you hug yourself.

"What does it mean?"

I wanted a distraction and I found it. My fingers were idly tracing the lines, the words and still touching him. I felt so grounded, meshed with Edward this way. He cleared his throat. I felt his lips moving in my hair, his hands never stilling on my back.

"You don't know?"

"Edward, seriously, if I had known why in the hell would I ask?"

"Good point, Bells. You don't remember Latin class?"

"All I remember from that class was you sitting behind me with your fingers in my hair and on my neck. You drove me crazy! Some days it took all I had not to jump you on top of the desk and not caring that everybody was watching. I recognize god and not much else."

I leaned away from him, studying the art earnestly, still knowing nothing. He was hedging, making me want to know what the damn thing said more than ever. His face was tight. A slight smile graced his mouth but his eyes held a sadness I wanted to wipe away.

"Please."

"Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur. Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time."

The sadness swirled and increased exponentially as he spoke those words. It was the twin of the pain I carried in my heart. Looking him in the eyes was like staring into the sun. It was bad, but you did it anyway. I just hoped I'd done no permanent damage. Damn, I was crying again. His thumbs came up and swiped at the tears.

"Why, Edward?"

"I thought that would be painfully obvious, Bella. I let the only thing that really mattered to me slip right through my fingers because I was afraid."

The mention of his fear sent a million synapses firing in my brain. He'd just said the very words I'd dreamt of hearing for years, but instead of granting me some sort of closure, I was given anger. It was strong, almost overwhelming. I wanted to lash out, to give him some idea of what I'd endured. Yes, he had suffered, but he made the choice. He did this. The touch that I had reveled in just moments ago now seemed like suffocating. Awkwardly, I pulled away from him and slipped my clothes back on.

"Bella, I…"

"Save it, Cullen."

"Fuck, Bella, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say to make you not hate me. How long are you going to hold this over my head?"

"Until it stops hurting."

Silence filled the space. Was there anything left to say?

I had nothing else. My heart couldn't stand much more. Old wounds hurt too damn much. Being in fucking Forks hurt too much. And Edward Cullen? There wasn't a measurement known to man that could even begin to describe how much pain was there. I'd just made a colossal mistake by having sex with him. I wanted to go back to Seattle, back to my cold, lonely apartment. I wanted to hide in my office at the Chronicle, avoid my colleagues and eat terrible Chinese take out every night. I would be the one to runaway this time. After all I had a fantastic fucking teacher. Something in my face must have given my thoughts away.

"Please, please don't run away from me, Bella. There's too much that needs to be righted."

"And just to think all those years ago you told me you couldn't read my mind."

I leaned across the seat to retrieve my bag and stepped out of the Escalade. I walked away calmly, façade in place. Inside I was reeling and my stomach felt like a ball of snakes, twisting and churning. I needed to sleep. The drive to Charlie's was made on auto pilot. I don't remember any of the turns. I prayed he was sleeping when I got there. The look on my face would give away far more than I was willing to discuss with my father. He wasn't home, thankfully. I ambled up the stairs straight to the bathroom. I reached for two Trazadone, craving the oblivion that accompanied them. I swallowed them dry and went back to my bedroom. I took off my shoes and lay down on the bed still fully dressed and cried myself to sleep.

I was lying on my back, in the meadow with Edward. His bronze hair was a crazy mess from my hands being in it. The sun hit him and he sparkled like a million diamonds had lit upon his skin. He leaned over to kiss my lips and he suddenly was jerked backward. I watched him getting further and further away until there was nothing. Nothing but me in a world of endless grey. I opened my mouth to scream and there was no sound.

Charlie was shaking my shoulders and calling my name when I woke up.

"You saw the Cullen boy didn't you?"

{A/N - Dum dum dum. I know I'ma cliffie whore.I've set up a Facebook page so if you're a fb'r feel free to add me and as always reviews are welcome, good bad or ugly. And you know you really really wanna see Edward's tat…and it's there Til I get back from vacation!}

www dot facebook dot com/profile dot php?id=100001728739482


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer:  
The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author. I just wanted Edward to bite my headboard among other things….**_

_**Big hugs to the best Betas, ever, Edward's Eternal (who keeps me grounded, recommends awesome fics and makes it look like I can actually write) & Yo of AST (who makes me laugh when I wanna cry). And of course, so much love for my girls, because without them none of this would be possible. They're my reason for writing!**_

_**Sparkly fanged and venom laced Cullen kisses for y'all!**_

_**Thanks to all the readers who have stuck with me!**_

_**V''''V**_

_**TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2010 ™**_

_**I've always dreamed about this moment  
And now it's here and I've turned to stone  
I stand here petrified  
As I look in your eyes  
My head is ready to explode**_

_**I bleed my heart out on this paper for you  
So you can see what I can't say  
I'm dying here  
'Cause I can't say what I want to  
I bleed my heart out just for you**_

_**And it's all here in black and white and red  
For all the times those words were never said**_

_**I bleed my heart out on this paper for you  
So you can see what I can't say**_

_**I'm dying here  
'Cause I can't say what I want to  
I bleed my heart out just for you  
I bleed my heart out just for you**_

_**Bleed- Hot Chelle Rae**_

_**Chapter 6**_

_**Before I've given you the truth**_

•_**Edward•**_

I watched her walk away and she never looked back. Way to fucking go, Cullen. I shouldn't have told her about the tattoo, but hell, how was I to know she'd react that way? I had been so far away from everything I knew and I was a fucking walking tragedy. I barely functioned, operating on cruise control while I sorted my shit out. I was at the end of my rope when I got the ink. The quote was perfect. _'Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time.'_ It reminded me so much of my flaws and how they were tormenting me now. I was drunk and tattooed and grieving for home and her. (Damn, doesn't that sound like a country song? I just needed to mention Mama, trains and prison to have a chart topping single.) Moving on, I knew she was miserable too, but I couldn't drag her down because I was fighting the demons in my soul. I was aware of what she went through when I left. Alice had tried to be there for her. I had heard about all of the comings and goings of Isabella Swan until she told Alice that she couldn't bear to be near her anymore because of me. It was bad enough that I hated myself but to have _that_ evil munchkin pissed at me was tantamount to a death sentence, maybe death by annoyance and dirty looks, but death none the less. Not only had I taken myself away from Bella, but I'd taken Alice away from her too. I damn near packed my bags and came home that night, but I didn't. There was no way for me to right the wrongs I'd done. The only thing I could do now was ask her to not hate me. In hindsight, all this could have been avoided if I'd just accepted that I was meant to be a doctor. Seriously, who listens to their parents at seventeen anyway? I've been kicking my own ass for over a decade for not doing that very thing.

When my father had gotten me the job at Forks General Hospital I'd hoped like hell that I'd see her again. I'd barely been here a year and Bella practically lands in my lap. So, now, I sit in my truck, surrounded by the scent of Bella and a sexy shag flashback plotting my next move. First, I needed sleep and a shower. Tomorrow I would go to her house and hope like hell Charlie wasn't home. I was persona non grata for breaking the heart of the police chief's daughter, but he hadn't killed me and made it look like an accident. Yet.

••••

Nothing looked better in the harsh light of morning. In fact, I felt like hammered ass and the dreams of Bella, of Bella and me… yeah, wow. Since I was dead set on torturing myself today, I reached into the night stand and pulled out a familiar bundle. It was wrapped in a silver ribbon from the corsage I'd given Bella at prom.

The envelopes were wrinkled and some of them yellowed, but they contained pieces of my soul. I'd written countless letters to her. I'd poured my heart out in line after line. These pages held my misery, my anger and my love. I plucked one from the stack at random and read.

_Bella,_

_Happy Birthday, Baby. I wish for nothing more than to be able to hold you and run my fingers through your hair. I miss you. Those three words don't even begin to say how much. I know you probably hate me, but I hope in time you'll forgive me for walking away. I couldn't take the pressure anymore. I don't want to be in Carlisle's shadow. I have my own dreams that have nothing to do with medicine. Everybody wants a piece of me and I fear that I've got nothing left to give. I am so messed up in my head and I in no way wanted my issues to affect you. I just need time and distance. Know that this is killing me and I suffer alone without you. It's hot and dry here. I long the rain and the forest. I miss our walks in the mist and the kisses in front of your house. If I close my eyes and think hard enough I can hear your laugh and see the way you bite your bottom lip after I kissed you. Fuck, I miss you. I'm so sorry, Bella, but I can't take it back. There's a hole in my soul. That space belongs only to you. _

_Right now, rage rushes through me because I'm a fucking coward... _

I fought the urge to rip the offending page to shreds. The feelings I'd written of seeped through the page and into me. I didn't bother to retie the ribbon or replace the note before I shoved the letters back into the drawer. Why did I still have them? I guess there was a twisted part of me that wanted to give them to Bella some day in hopes that she'd understand. Call me the king of wishful thinking. I stumbled to the kitchen, and started the espresso machine. I needed copious amounts of caffeine to pull my balls out of my back pocket and face her. I was going to go to her with the facts and figures of Black's case. I knew she'd at least see me on those grounds. Yes, it was sneaky and underhanded but I needed to talk to her. Four cups of coffee later, I was in the truck on my way to face the devil. F.M.L.

Chief Swan's cruiser wasn't parked in front of the house but Bella's car was. I stopped sweating profusely at the thought of _not_ being shot. I raised a hand to knock on the door when it was jerked open. Fuck, she was not pleased to see me.

"You don't get it, do you?"

"Bella, I get it, but you wanted to talk about Jacob. Things kinda got out of hand, but I'm here now to answer your questions."

Some of the fire receded from her eyes but I wasn't fooled. Her rage was still boiling below the surface. She stepped back from the door, granting me entry. So far, so good, I'd made it inside with all appendages intact. She motioned to the sofa. I took one corner and she the other. Skepticism was written all over her beautiful face.

"Speak."

Well, I'll be damned, if she called me Fido, I was going to hump her leg. Maybe _before_ I rolled over and played dead. I was pretty sure she'd kill me herself after that. I was going to give her my best bedside manner to put her at ease. I inhaled deeply.

Here goes nothing.

"Jacob has acute lymphocytic leukemia, but I'm sure you knew that. It's usually a pediatric cancer, but it can strike adults of all ages. He was in remission, but unfortunately, the cancer has come back full force. Because it's a peds cancer, his age is going to be a factor this time. He's going to need a marrow transplant."

Tears were welling in her eyes, making me want to reach out and touch her, hold her, but I wasn't silly. She would bite and not in the good way.

"Can I donate my bone marrow to him?"

The solemn look on her face was damn near enough to drive _**me**_ to tears. Bella was passionate. When she loved, _she loved. _ She never did anything half way, even hating me.

"We can certainly test you for a match. I can take you to the hospital right now if you'd like. I'll do the work up myself, if, of course, you're comfortable with that."

She chewed her bottom lip for a nanosecond. Her eyes met mine and they were clear, but full of determination.

"Let me get dressed and we'll go."

So, in the end my approach worked. I stayed where I was and waited for her to come back down the stairs. I was lost in thoughts of hot parking lot sex when Charlie came in. His face was some shade of red you only see in the cartoons. Fuuuuuck, this was about to get five kinds of ugly.

"What are you doing here, Cullen? Haven't you done enough?"

"Chief Swan, with all due respect, Sir I-"

Bella saved my ass my reappearing.

"Charlie, back off. Edward is here to take me to the hospital. I'm going to go be tested for a marrow match for Jake."

That certainly took the wind out of Charlie's sails. I quietly exhaled.

"Honey, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean you going with _him_."

"I'm a big girl now, Daddy. I can handle myself"

He was fucking putty in her hands. I was trying to take all this in, but in no possible way draw attention to myself. Charlie was after all, armed.

"Let's go, Edward."

I nodded at the Chief and followed her out the door, all the while fearing I may still be shot. I thought to myself though, that Charlie Swan would want the satisfaction of looking me in the eye while he fired. For the love of fuck, my imagination was firing on all eight cylinders today. By some miracle, I made it out to the truck unscathed. Bella gave me a dirty look as I rushed around her to open the door. I had nothing to say, so I just lowered my head.

The ride to the hospital was eerily silent and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Um, no, scratch that, you'd need a fucking chainsaw. I had so much to say to her, but I knew that I would only push my boat that much further up Shit Creek if I opened my mouth. I was already without a paddle, so I just kept my trap closed.

I parked and led Bella through the maze of corridors to the lab, which was in the basement. I ushered her to a set of chairs while I fumbled in a file cabinet for release forms and questionnaires. A detailed medical history and her signature were required to collect and process the blood. I handed her the necessary forms and a pen and waited as she read. Her eyes shot up and met mine. Her expression was stricken and she was obscenely pale.

"Edward, I just had a flu shot."

"It's okay, Bells, if you're a match it's only a delay. We can still do the typing."

I stroked the back of her hand without even thinking about it. At the mere touch of her skin on mine I was tossed back on the seat of my Escalade. She felt it too, because she jumped like she'd been shocked. It was like static, but more erotic. Bella jerked away from me and went back to reading the forms.

"How long?"

"Uh, what?"

The only response I could even fathom was nine inches, but I'm pretty sure that was _not _what she was asking about. Little Edward was apparently running all the thought processes at the moment. I had to stop thinking with my dick.

"How long will the flu shot delay the transplant should I be a suitable match for Jake?"

Fuck, think, Cullen. I was trying like hell to recall all the facts and figures associated with donation. Bing! Like a light switch being flipped, the magic number popped into my head.

"Four weeks."

"Will Jake make it four weeks without the transplant, Edward?"

"That timeline looks good. He'll finish this round of chemo in three weeks, so I'd just about say that's perfect."

Relief washed over her and I watched her body relax by small degrees. She gave me a tiny smile and signed the release with flourish. I gathered all the supplies needed to draw blood and asked her if she was ready. The gloves were snapped on, the tourniquet tied and the area was swabbed. My eyes met hers for an instant before the needle entered her vein. Dark red flowed into tube after tube, her life force captured in glass. When the process was finished and the gloves were off I was more than happy to hold her arm and bandage it. The feel of her skin was an addiction. I craved another fix and I'd take it in any way I could get it. Bella gave a small sigh as my fingers ghosted across her arm. The addiction wasn't solely mine. That gave me a sliver of hope, which was a very dangerous thing. Hope was the thing with feathers alright, but the bitch also came armed with a razor sharp blade that would slice your soul to ribbons.

"How soon will we know?"

My reverie was broken, my musings of a semi-happy ending dashed with the spoken question.

I leaned over her, plucking a clipboard off the wall. Perusing the info it contained, I gathered that it would be at least twenty four hours before the techs could even get to Bella. The lab was way behind, but that was pretty normal around here. Disappointment shadowed Bella's features when I gave her the news.

"I'm going to sit with Jake. Feel free to leave. I'll call Charlie when I'm ready to go."

"Don't be silly, Bella. I brought you and I'll take you home."

"Edward, there's no need to spend your day here when you're obviously not working. I'll be fine."

"I have a few things I could actually do while I'm here. Give me your cell."

She removed it from her pocket and handed it to me. I programmed my number into her phonebook and smiled as I browsed her ringtones until I found one I liked. I passed the phone back to her, my fingers brushing her palm just to watch her blush.

As soon as she was down the hall I pulled out my own phone and called Alice. I didn't have a damn thing to do here except wait for Bella. She answered on the first ring.

"You saw her didn't you?"

"Hi to you, too Alice. I'm good and you?" I replied dryly.

"Can it, Cullen. I know you saw her. How is she?"

"Meet me at the hospital and we'll talk."

"Give me ten minutes and I'll bring food."

"Screw the food; I need coffee and immoral support."

"Oh big brother, you know just what to say to a girl!"

I could practically hear Alice rolling her eyes. If only that were true my life would be much simpler and Bella would be mine again.

•••

Twenty minutes later the imp stormed the castle bearing coffee and sandwiches. God, I loved my sister, but at times she was too much to take. But I needed a sounding board and Tinkerbell fit the bill. I just hoped she didn't castrate me for the parking lot incident. As we snagged a table, Alice took a long hard look at me. Her eyes narrowed and I knew she knew.

"Please tell me you didn't! For the love of fuck, Edward?"

I didn't even bother to deny it. Alice had always been a little on the clairvoyant side. She could have given me the heads up about Bella's impending arrival. That would have come in handy. A little warning might have helped.

"Yeah, I did. Fuck, I mean, _we_ did."

There was no time to brace myself for the flying bag of food that landed against the side of my head. She was tiny, but damn she was quick and could apparently use anything as a weapon!

"Do you love her?"

Straight to the point, that was my little sister. I quirked a brow.

"Am I breathing?"

"Good, because if you had said no I would have been forced to kill you and hide your body."

I swallowed visibly. Her face showed no sign of joking. Seeing how Alice was a pediatric cardiologist she could totally do it. I made a mental note to stop pissing off the people who had means of snuffing me out.

"So, you're going to help me redeem myself?"

"Oh, Edward, is the Pope Catholic?"

Holy shit, Mary Alice Cullen was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer:  
The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author. I don't own the Sparkly one, but if I did… hubba hubba!**_

_**I imagine Edward calling her Eliza…just sayin'. **___

_**Big hugs to the best Betas, ever, Edward's Eternal & Yo of AST. And of course, so much love for my girls, because without them none of this would be possible. They're my reason for writing!**_

_**You're all granted 2 hours alone with the Cullen of your choice. Make it count!**_

_**Thanks to all the readers who have stuck with me!**_

_**I'm a review whore, so gimme my fix. Please and thank you in advance!**_

_**So back to Dr. Curseward…**_

_**V''''V**_

_**TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2010 ™**_

_I was the one you always dreamed of_

_You were the one I tried to draw_

_How dare you say it's nothing to me_

_Baby, you're the only light I ever saw_

_I'll make the most of all the sadness_

_You'll be a bitch because you can_

_You'll try to hit me just hurt me_

_So you leave me feeling dirty_

_Cause you can't understand_

_We're going down_

_And you can see it, too_

_We're going down_

_And you know that we're doomed_

_My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room_

_**Slow Dancing in a Burning Room- John Mayer  
**_

_**Chapter 7**_

_**Don't You Think We Oughta Know By Now?**_

•_**Bella•**_

"You saw the Cullen boy, didn't you?"

Just the mention of his name caused my heart to skip. I was torn between wanting it to stop all together and wanting it to be whole again. Neither one of those scenarios were mine for the choosing.

"You should have told me, Dad. I would have at least been prepared when he ambled into Jake's room."

My words were empty as I felt. Wait, no that was a lie. I was full of feelings I didn't know what to do with. Charlie's face was enough for me drop the subject. The worry in his eyes was enough to make me hug him. I remembered that he wanted to send me to Florida with Renee after Edward left. I was a mess. I stopped talking to all my friends. I could barely force myself out of bed in the mornings. When I slept I dreamt of Edward walking away from me. The sounds of him telling me he didn't want me anymore reverberated inside my head. Time after time I awoke, tears streaming down my face, my throat raw from screaming and Charlie was there. He was always there. I would not let him see me like that again.

"I'm sorry, kid. I just didn't think you'd have to deal _with him_."

He didn't think I'd have to _deal_ with Edward? That was the understatement of the century.

"I'm okay, I promise. I just wish I knew he was here. I could have handled it better."

He nodded, but I could tell he didn't believe me. I didn't believe myself. My dad wasn't the best at talking about feelings, but he was there to listen.

"Take some time for you today, Bells. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Take a walk. Go see a movie, buy some clothes, just do something. Stay away from _that boy_."

He headed to the door and donned his jacket, but before he left he turned back to me.

"Do you still have that pepper spray I gave you?"

I just rolled my eyes and shooed him out the door. I was awarded seven blissful minutes alone before a familiar blue SUV pulled up behind my car. Edward looked quite nervous as he made his way to the porch. He was furtively glancing around as if he was looking for someone to jump out and ambush him. There was just no escaping him in this tiny town. He was everywhere I looked and now he was here, raising his hand to knock. I yanked the door open and gave him the dirtiest look I could muster.

My anger lessened slightly when he claimed he was there to talk about Jake.

Against my better judgment, I let him inside the house. He looked so unsure, unsettled even. Sadly, I liked him looking like that. I _wanted_ to see him hurt. What was wrong with me? I should never want another human to suffer what I did. But, here I was, perversely enjoying seeing Edward twist in the wind.

Sweet Baby Jesus, I was damaged and it was his fault, so let him deal with the monster he created. Yep, I would bill Dr. Edward Cullen for the ten thousand dollars worth of therapy I was bound to need. I forced myself to focus on his mouth. That was an epic fail, as I should have concentrated on the words _**coming out**_ of his mouth and not his _mouth_, per se. My whole body flushed as I really thought about his mouth and what it was capable of. Damn him. Damn me. Damn us. The words "marrow transplant" caused me to shudder. Tears rushed to my eyes. Apparently, I _was_ listening.

"Can I donate my bone marrow to him?"

Control. How I craved to have it again and this was going to be my avenue of pursuit. Determination flowed through me. Edward said that I could be tested for a match and that he would personally do the labs. I left him on the couch while I sprinted upstairs to throw on some clothes. My hair was hastily tamed into a ponytail and I miraculously found jeans and a shirt in record time. I was praying that I wouldn't make an ass of myself by landing on that particular part of my anatomy while negotiating the staircase. I wasn't exactly known for my ability to walk on flat surfaces, much less those that weren't. Then I heard Charlie. Damn, damn and double damn, I had to rescue Edward and fast. I forgot my clumsiness in an instant.

"What are you doing here, Cullen? Haven't you done enough?"

"Chief Swan, with all due respect, Sir, I-"Edward began.

Think, Bella, how do we diffuse this bomb? Do we cut the red wire or the green one? I never was great under pressure. I closed my eyes and mentally snipped them both, praying it didn't blow up in my face before I spoke.

"Charlie, back off. Edward is here to take me to the hospital. I'm going to go be tested for a marrow match for Jake."

My father's eyes were as big as half dollars, but there was a light of understanding in them.

"Honey, are you sure this is a good idea? Not about the testing, of course, I mean you going with _him_."

"I'm a big girl now, Daddy. I can handle myself. Let's go." I held my hand out to Edward.

They both just studied me with disbelief for the longest moments, but finally Cullen moved. As soon as Edward's back was to him, my dad pantomimed for pepper spray. I bit my bottom lip to hold in the giggle. Some things would never change and Charlie Swan was one of them. Bless him for that. I shrugged on my internal armor and stepped out into the misty morning. When Edward hurried around me to pull open the truck door I could only scowl at him. It was a choice between a dirty look or begging him to push me up against the side of his Escalade and fuck me silly. I opted for my "ugly mean face". It was safer. My pride wasn't ready for round two, although the rest of me certainly was. Edward Cullen had only gotten hotter with time and my libido was sitting up and taking notes. In truth, I think she might be writing a novel, a long smutty one. Traitorous bitch.

The silence was ominous on the ride to the hospital. Perhaps it was better this way. Being so close to each other was a long, slow, dangerous dance and neither one of us wanted to step on the other's toes. We were like matches and gasoline and if we weren't careful we'd both burn. After what seemed like a brief eternity, we finally arrived. I for one was more than glad to be out of the confines that was a screaming reminder of yesterday's mistake. I wasn't looking forward to being poked and prodded, but it was time to man up. Hey, you don't have to be a _man_ to be the, well, _man_.

As I followed Edward's footsteps through the bowels of the hospital I was lost in thought over why in the hell the lab was always in the fricking basement. Did the architects find it necessary to hide the blood suckers away from the general population? Damn vampires, always in the shadows and the dark. Being in a poorly lit hallway with Edward Cullen and thinking about vampires prompted my hyper-active imagination into overdrive. In my head, he was leading me to his daytime resting place where he planned to ravish me until sun up or sundown, whichever came first. I had no qualms with either. I could see myself in a frothy blue gown, my breasts heaving with anticipation and threatening to spill out over the bodice. Edward was deathly pale and cold as ice. He donned a long black waist coat and skin tight breeches that hid nothing from my innocent eyes. I knew he wanted to taste my blood and he fought to control himself. Whoa, girl! I snapped back to reality as Edward pointed me to a set of chairs. I shamelessly ogled his ass as he was bent over; digging in a filing cabinet drawer for some form I'd have to sign. Thank God for the inventor of jeans, because Edward Cullen definitely filled them out well. He straight busted me out when he spun around. _Please, please, let it look like I'm nervous and not like I'm about to pounce. _There was no more time to over analyze, however when a stack of papers were unceremoniously placed before me. Ah, something to focus on, well, besides Edward's fantastically sculpted butt.

I checked box after box, asking the most inane questions. For example, things like:_ "Have you been exposed to malaria?"_

Wow, these things were thorough. All the answers were no, no and did I mention no? The last inquiry halted my inner monologue.

"_Have you received a live dose of any vaccines in the last 30 days? (e.g. small pox, influenza, measles, ect.)"_

I had to physically remind myself to breathe. All the blood rushed from my head and I feared for an instant I might pass out.

"Edward, I just had a flu shot."

"Don't worry, Bells, if you're a match it's only a delay. We can still do the typing."

His hand shot out to mine, stroking the overly sensitive skin there. God, it was hard to think while his hands were on me, no matter how innocent the occasion. I immediately went back to reading the material, looking for the solution to this set back. It was frustrating when I found nothing. I hated to ask but it didn't seem that Edward was going to be forthcoming with the data I needed.

"How long?"

"Uh, what?"

Well, obviously I wasn't the only one with sex on the brain. I may as well have caught him touching himself. I suppressed the eye roll and groan that were just itching to get out and pressed the issue at hand. I could practically see his brain at work. His brow was wrinkled and concentration was etched into the set of his lips. Oh, his lips.

"Four weeks."

Panic crashed into me with the impetus of a freight train.

"Will Jake make it four weeks without the transplant, Edward?"

I wanted to hide my eyes, to not look at him while he told me that I'd just killed my best friend.

"That timeline looks good. He'll finish this round of chemo in three weeks, so I'd just about say that's perfect."

I let out the breath that I hadn't even realized I'd been holding. Watching Edward stalk around gathering supplies didn't soothe the mood that was brewing. There was too much in my head at the moment. His voice demolished the warring within me when he asked if I was ready. I indicated I was. Soon, the snapping of gloves rang in my ears. It was so loud in the tiny room, almost like gunfire. Next, came the band and the swab of alcohol, then Edward's eyes seared into mine prior to the tiny stick of the needle. Not wanting to watch my blood fill the vials, I studied him. I took in the arch of his eyebrow, the cleft of his chin and the fullness of his bottom lip. It was obvious that he hadn't shaved this morning because of the bronze stubble that graced his lower jaw. The physical compulsion to reach out and lay my hand across those fine hairs was nearly overwhelming. As soon as the collection was done and he rang his fingers up my arm, the tingling was too much to ignore. A sigh escaped, as I no longer had the will to contain it. Where in the hell was my resolve?

"How soon will we know?" I had to kill this mood. Had to.

Dr. Cullen informed me that I would sit on pins and needles for at least twenty four hours. A whole day? I would lose my mind and it was written all over my face. I refused to watch the clock.

"I'm going to sit with Jake. Feel free to leave. I'll call Charlie when I'm ready to go."

"Don't be silly, Bella. I brought you and I'll take you home."

"Edward, there's no need to spend your day here when you're obviously not working. I'll be fine."

"I have a few things I could actually do while I'm here. Give me your cell."

I bit my lip but gave him the phone. He held it with a devilish grin for an awfully long time. I wasn't sure I liked the look on his face when he gave it back and his fingers ran along my palm. Okay, so maybe I liked that. It was time to walk away. For now.

On the elevator ride from the basement to the seventh floor, I had nothing on my mind but Edward. Doctor Edward Cullen, I was very proud of him. If he would have stayed in Forks, I'd be the good doctor's wife. God, what a fantasy. It didn't matter now, he chose for both of us years ago. I stepped off the elevator and walked to room 716. The numbers beside the door seemed to mock me, as if they knew everything written on my heart. I gave a small rap on the door before I pushed it open; preparing myself for the onslaught on despair that usually accompanied my arrival. The scene before me caused an emotional response, but it was far from the expected one. Her scrubs were pink and two sizes too small, if you wanted my opinion. The lab coat she wore made her look sexy and not frumpy, as I would have liked. The black framed glasses perched upon her pert little nose made her look sophisticated, rather than nerdy. Her fingers were entangled in Jake's hair. Nope, it sure wasn't desperation rushing through me at the moment. It was jealousy, pure and simple. I cleared my throat, announcing my presence.

"Bells," Jake's voice called, "Missed you when I woke up yesterday."

"Sorry, Jake, something came up," I mumbled. If he knew what had come up was Edward, he'd blow a gasket.

"Bells, this is my friend, Nessie."

He gestured to the chick, who still hand her hand buried in his hair, by the way.

Finally, to my supreme satisfaction she moved it, only to extend it in my direction. Fuck, I don't wanna touch her, my mind screamed, but I plastered on a big smile and shook her hand.

"So, you're Bella? I've heard so much about you from Jake, here! I'm Renesme Whitlock, Doctor, Renesme Whitlock."

Renesme? Damn, her parents really didn't like her, but I wasn't sure if Nessie was any better. Well now, I'm glad that she knew about me because I had _no_ idea that she even existed! Retract the claws, Bella. Play nice, for now. Her Southern accent, and that mass of sandy blonde hair, God and she had to be close to six feet tall. Here I was, Bella, plain, simple, dark haired, short assed, little ol me.

"Don't believe anything he tells you." I said with a smile.

She laughed and it sounded like music. I hated her on sight and I'm a girl so I didn't need a damn reason. Jacob Black had adored me for the better part of our lives and now, now it was different. I'd never really had any serious competition, until, today.

"_Would you listen to yourself? Competition? Really, Bella? You don't even love Jake, not like that. You've had years to make that choice and you didn't. Your heart has always belonged to Edward. Yeah, you remember Edward, the hot piece of man meat that you enjoyed hot, sweaty parking lot sex with yesterday? Snap out of it, girl."_

Why didn't my stupid subconscious come equipped with a mute button? And really, what was with the singing? Couldn't she speak like normal? Hell no, because it was _my_ brain. I really hated that whore. So, what I really hated was that she was right.

"Okay, Sparky, I've got rounds to make, so I'll see you later?" Nessie spoke to Jake again. "It was nice to meet you, Bella," and then it was just us two. Jake just stared at me with a stupid smile on his lips.

"So you and _Nessie_…" I trailed off, leaving him to explain.

"She's great isn't she?"

Oh yeah, Jake, I was ready to nominate her for sainthood in that three minute span. And did I mention her name was a tragedy? Nessie? Seriously? Maybe I should have asked Edward what floor the psych ward was on.

"She seems nice."

"What's eating you, Bella?"

He could always see right through my bullshit. Part of me hated that.

"I don't know what you mean. I'm just tired and worried. I had my blood drawn so we could see if I can donate my bone marrow to you."

I pointed to the Hello Kitty band-aid that Edward had placed in the bend of my arm.

"Nice band-aid, Kiddo." He snickered.

"Shut up, _Sparky_!"

"You gonna tell me what's on your mind? I've got nothing but time."

He laced his hands behind his head and relaxed.

"Oh, shut up. I thought you were sick. I'm here with you when I could be in my windowless office, hiding from the copy machine guy. The Seattle Chronicle needs me, you know. _ Isabella's Insights_ doesn't write itself."

This was normal for the Jake and Bella show, this I could handle.

His bottom lip poked out.

"I am sick." He gave a fake cough.

"Uh huh, did that win you a sympathy vote from the doctor?"

"Yeah, who could resist this face?"

It was fantastic to see Jake in a good mood, even though I wanted to bash him over the head with the pillow he lay on.

"Trust me,me; plenty of women could resist you, Jacob."

"Only you, Isabella." His voice held a twinge of sadness.

"So, Edward says that we should know by tomorrow if I'm a match for you."

"_**Edward**_? God, Bella, are you ever going to learn? He's worthless. He had you so twisted that you didn't know up from down!"

"Jake, calm down. There's nothing for you to worry about where he's concerned. I can handle myself. I'm not seventeen anymore. I'm not going to argue with you. I'll see you tomorrow."

I fled. He was right and I wouldn't admit it.

In the safety of the hall I pulled out my cell and sent a text to Edward.

"_**Ready."**_

His response came seconds later.

"_**K, meet you in the lobby."**_

I stepped into the elevator once more. When the doors opened, a blur of red and black flew at me.

"BELLA!"

Alice.

Damn, those Cullens fought dirty.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer:  
The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. All insane plots, twisted dialogue and smutty scenes belong solely to the author. I own nothing except a pervy imagination, an iPod, Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse on DVD. And now to give credit where credit is due:**_

••_**Big love to my beta, my friend, my fanfic recommender, Edward's Eternal. She rocks my frickin' socks! I spend time reading other people's work and think "wow, they need a beta"! I'm thankful to have my girl! She makes my shiz look awesome! **___

••_**A shout out to my girl Yo, who reads this crap and tells me it's good. Thanks for being you, girl! Day or night I know you're there with encouragement and hella good laughs! Your faith in my writing is astounding. HUGS!**_

_**Love you both with venom based sparkly kisses!**___

_**Next up-**_

••_**The S.H.O.W. Girls, who rock my world… I cannot even begin to say how much you mean to me. Holland! ;)**_

••_**And last but never least, my readers, who crack me up with the reviews and enjoy my sick sense of humor! Keep 'em coming!**_

_**Warning! This is a looooong chapter for me as Edward had lots to say! Happy reading my TwiDarlings!**_

_**TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2011 ™**_

_**I think about your face  
And how I fall into your eyes  
The outline that I trace  
Around the one that I call mine  
Time that called for space  
Unclear where you drew the line  
I don't need to solve this case  
And I don't need to look behind**_

_**Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside,  
with all the words I say,  
repeating over in my mind,  
some things you can't erase, no matter how hard you try,  
an exit to escape is all there is left to find.**_

_**Echo—Trapt**_

Chapter 8

_Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside…_

•Edward•

"Spill it, Pixie. What the hell are you up to?"

I could only arch a brow and await Alice's plan of action. I was scared, dammit! How in the hell could someone so small be so intimidating?

"It's probably better that you don't know, big brother. You know, at least that way you can't be implicated in my schemes. Sit back and let me mastermind this bitch."

She was right. It _was_ better this way and I could handle whatever Ali had up her sleeve, because nothing and I mean _nothing_ could shock me the way seeing Bella did. Just then, my phone vibrated. It was text from Bella, saying she was ready. I shot back a reply and stood up.

"Bella is ready for me to take her home."

"Squee! I'm more than ready to see her."

She was positively vibrating with excitement. I wondered how Jasper handled her. Eww, scratch that thought. Alice was four months pregnant, so it was pretty obvious _how _Jas did it. Blech. I prayed for the man because I had a feeling this baby was a girl. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the world wasn't ready for two times the Alice. I walked toward the elevator banks with preggo scampering right behind.

"Ali, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Shut up, Edward. You know _I know_ what I'm doing. And face it; you need all the help you can possibly get so you don't screw this up. You've been acting like an infatuated tween. It's time for reinforcements. And no, I'm not telling you anything. Besides, this way you can always claim plausible deniability."

She had a point, but there was no more time to debate as the elevator opened and Alice launched herself at Bella. The look on Bella's face was a mixture of elation and terror. I couldn't say that my own feelings were far off that same path.

"Alice." I heard Bella whisper in awe.

The one word was filled with so much emotion. Her big brown eyes flew to me and I read a plea in them. They were practically screaming "_help me"_. I held up my hands to say that it was not my choice. Alice was running this freak show. I could however, try to rein my sister in a bit.

"Ali, you've gotta let Bella breathe."

I tried to be gentle, to not upset the imp. She was wretched when provoked, volatile even. Yep, I am a grown ass man, over six feet tall but I'm frickin' terrified of my baby sister, who stands five foot, nothing. It was the little ones that you had to watch out for! She's fucking mean and spiteful.

Eventually, their embrace was broken. Bella was staring at Alice's baby bump with undeniable envy. God, I am such an asshole. That could be us. That could be _Bella_ carrying _my_ child. I had totally fucked my life _and_ hers too in the process. How in the fuck was I ever going to redeem myself? Holy hell, I was trusting my sister on this one. Please, please, Alice, don't fail me now.

"Can I?" Bella asked and nodded toward Ali's tummy.

"Well, yeah! I'm just surprised you asked! Nobody ever does." Alice gave a tinkling giggle. "I feel like Buddha, with everybody rubbing my belly. Might as well make a wish or ask for good luck. Whatever the hell Buddha is good for!"

Bella's hand trembled slightly as she placed it over the bump. When it finally made contact, she released a shaky sigh and rubbed in large circles. My eyes were glued to her face, which was a swirling of happy and wistful. I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and tell her how sorry I was. _**I am an asshole**_.

"Do you know the sex yet?" Bella continued, with a slight smile now gracing her lips.

"It's too soon to tell on an ultrasound right now, but I know it's a girl. I'm ready to meet her!"

Alice's enthusiasm was infectious, because now I was smiling too. Just the thought of a mini Ali was fascinating. Okay, well it was a little frightening too, but mostly fascinating. Either way, I was spoiling this kid absolutely rotten.

"A girl, eh? Do you have a name picked out?"

"I like Harper Isabella, but Jasper and I are in a debate about that. Like I'm going to let him name my daughter after the monstrosity that his mother foisted upon his poor sister!"

"Isabella?" Bella looked like she was going to burst into tears.

"Yes, Isabella. You've always been my best friend, Bells, no matter the time or distance. That will never change."

Bella wrapped her arms around my sister and then they were both sniffling. Sweet baby Jesus, too much estrogen, I was going to have to paint my nails pink soon and buy tampons. I cleared my throat, reminding them I was still here.

"Shut up, Edward." They said in unison.

"Bells, you have to meet Jasper! Edward, can we have dinner at your place tonight? I'm sure you have nothing else to do!"

"Alice…" Bella and I both began speaking at the same time.

"Oh for fuck's sake, you two. Really, it's just a meal, not a wedding!"

The munchkin was annoyed. Ruh roh. I saw the twinkle of mischief in Ali's eyes and I knew this was part of the plan. So, I blew out a breath and went with it.

"The imp is right, Bella. It _is_ just dinner, besides you'll love Jas. He should be sainted for marrying _her_."

That statement earned me a tiny foot stomping on mine. OUCH!

"C'mon Bella, can you really say no to the pregnant lady and this face?"

Alice scrunched her face into a pout that looked ridiculous, but made Bella cackle.

"Okay, Alice. You win. When and where?" Bella raised her hands in mock surrender.

"Edward's, say seven? Will that work for you?"

Bella chewed her bottom lip. "Seven works, but I have no idea where he lives."

Alice elbowed me in the ribs. "Give her directions, dummy!"

Damn, someone was feeling violent today. "I'll pick her up. We all know Bella sucks at following directions."

"Kiss my ass, Cullen." Bella snapped at me.

Edward liked feisty Bella. Fantastic, now I was referring to myself in the third person. I wisely said nothing, but smiled. Oh, I'd kiss her ass alright. Right after I kissed the rest of her. Alice elbowed me again.

"What the fuck, Alice? Stop with the sibling abuse!" I wheezed.

That shit hurt! Damn her bony fucking elbows! And what was with cock blocking my fantasy? Before she had a chance to say anything The Bloodhound Gang's Bad Touch came erupting from her ginormous purse. Jasper. I gagged a little at the significance of the ringtone. I dared a glance at Bella, who was smiling at the whole scene that was unfolding before her. Alice was cooing into her phone. I just rolled my eyes and stepped toward Bella.

"You sure you're up for this?"

"It'll be fine Edward. I mean we'll be chaperoned, so it's not like we're going to get down and dirty right there on the kitchen table." She rolled _her_ eyes this time.

I however, was lost in thoughts of boning Bella retarded on my massive, black oak table. Now, _**that**_ was hot.

Alice broke that fantasy into pieces by opening her mouth. She's a dirty fucking cock blocker, I say.

"That was Jas. He's down for dinner with the in-laws."

Bella flushed crimson and wow, it was sexy as hell.

"Okay, shorty, so we'll see you at seven then?" I asked.

"Yep, I'll be there!"

She hugged Bella again, winked at me and then bid us goodbye. I turned back to my girl to ask if she was ready to leave when she burst out laughing.

"Please tell me that Alice does not have "Bad Touch" as the ringer for her hubby!"

"Sorry to say that _is_ totally the ringtone for Jas. Those two are something else. They're made for each other. He has "I Touch Myself" for hers. It's fuckery at its finest."

That particular bit of info caused another fit of laughter between Bella and me. We were walking back to my truck when Bella asked me to tell her about Jasper. I scratched my head and thought about it before I answered.

"Well, Jas and Ali have been married for two years. He's from Texas and he's a doctor, too. The accent is hilarious; just wait till you hear his Southernese. It's fucking priceless. Alice jokes that he had her at hello. Seeing them together is tantamount to sugar shock. Don't get too close, it's communicable! I'm giving you fair warning. Moving on, Jasper is head of trauma here at the hospital. That's where he met the troll. Apparently Forks General is a family affair. Well, for the Cullens and the Whitlocks, anyway."

"Whitlocks? As in _Renesme Whitlock_?"

Her face was serious and it was worrisome. What did I say this time? I was internally rewinding the entire exchange to find my faux-pas. Nothing was obvious.

"Uh, yeah, have you met Nessie? She's Jasper's sister."

"Yeah, I had the _pleasure_ today. I must agree, though, about her name. It's a damn train wreck. "

The way Bella said 'pleasure' I could tell it was anything but.

I wasn't going to ruin the good time we were having by discussing a topic that obviously bothered her so much. I would find out what was up with that later. You can bet on it.

"So, what should we have for dinner? You know Ali eats like a truck driver, and man, it's hella worse since she's pregnant."

"Uh, Italiano? Does that work for you? I mean I could cook for everybody. It's been so long since I had someone to cook for."

To hear that kind of happiness in her voice I'd eat dirt and never a word unless I was asking for more.

"That sounds, great, Baby."

Freudian slip. All the baby talk with Ali and the daydreams on my part made me say it! I warred with myself to not slap my hand over my big fat mouth! Bella, however, didn't seem to notice my endearment. She was too busy compiling a menu in her sexy brain. I was saved by her preoccupation. When her face met mine again, her eyes were sparkling with excitement. It did wonders for my heart to see her like this. Carefree suited her perfectly. I'd give nearly anything to keep that up.

"Edward, how do you feel about stuffed chicken marsala? I'd serve it with homemade bread paired with parmesan and garlic mashed potatoes. Oh, and tiramisu for dessert, just for you."

My mouth was watering. Tiramisu? I just might propose! Anything with coffee was right up my alley! Could I use Bella to eat said dessert off of?

"Wow, are you sure you're up to making all that?" I didn't want to put her out in the slightest.

"Edward Cullen, do you_** doubt**_ my prowess in the kitchen?"

Her tone sent all my blood rushing straight to my junk. I was on a mission to not fuck this up, so waking up Little Edward was not a good idea. I was floundering.

"Hell no, woman. I know what you can do in the kitchen."

_And the bedroom and in the backseat of my truck… _That chain of thought was _not_ helping _**at all**_.

I pulled a pen and a note pad from the glove compartment and told her to make a list of what she needed. I could practically see the smoke coming from the paper as she scribbled furiously. God, I'd missed her so much.

The drive back to her place was far too quick for my liking. She opened the door and jumped to the ground. She pivoted around back to me again.

"Thank you." And then she was hurrying up the walk way.

I rolled down the window and called that I'd be back for her at six. She nodded, a huge smile on her face. I loved her so much it fucking hurt. I was not going to fuck this up. It was my mantra. I had two hours to get home, clean up and get to the store.

I figured I'd tackle the groceries first. I wandered up and down aisle after fucking aisle for the things on Bella's list. I had everything but one. What the fuck was EVOO?

_**Do you have the time, To listen to me whine,  
About nothing and everything all at once?  
I am one of those  
Melodramatic fools,  
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it…**_

Green Day was singing in my pocket. Alice! Thank God! This would save me from looking like a douche for having to ask some damn teeny bopper what the hell EVOO was. I knew Ali would razz me about it, but she _**knows**_ I'm a douche. It's all relative. Literally.

"For the love of fuck, what is EVOO, Ali?"

I could hear her laughing and choking on the other end. Maybe I should've opted for asking one of the chicks that work here in the end. I barely made out the words 'extra virgin olive oil' over the hoopla. Ali was snorting repeatedly.

"Bring wine, whore face." I imparted before hanging up.

I was going to kick Bella's ass. Whether that was before or after I kissed it remained to be seen. And that's when I saw it. Muahaha, I was damn near in tears when the apron pretty much jumped off the rack at me. It was black with a big sparkly pair of red lips emblazoned underneath the words 'Kitchen Bitch'. This was too damn good to be true. I snagged it without another thought. She might kick me in the balls, but it would so be worth it.

I pulled up in front of her house for the third time today and called Bella. I definitely did not want another altercation with Charlie today, so I was staying right here. She could meet me halfway. Light filled the door frame as she stepped out into the misty evening. I fucking forgot to breathe. She was wearing a pair of knee high, black leather boots and a black mini dress. It was sparkly and clung in all the right places. What really did it for me was the silver chain belt that wrapped her tiny waist. A vision of her bound to my headboard by those slim links was enough to make me salivate. So much for keeping my dick in line. I didn't get out and open the door for her. The boner pitching a tent in my jeans pretty much ruled out any ideas of chivalry I might have had. She climbed inside and the scent of rain and plumeria engulfed me. Her hair was pinned up in the front enough to show off the hoop earrings she wore, but the rest was loose and wavy and I was mesmerized by what she'd done to her eyes. They were huge and lined with black. Her lashes looked a mile long. And _her lips_, mother of fuck, her lips were glossy and begging for my tongue. I snapped my mouth closed to make sure I wasn't drooling.

"The Proclaimers, Edward? Too funny."

It took me a minute to realize just what in the hell she was talking about. Then I remembered I'd programmed 500 Miles as my ringtone. We used to sing it to each other just to be annoying. It's one of those damn songs that get stuck in your head for days. Many tense moments between us were forgotten because of that tune.

"Good times, huh?" I could only give her a lopsided grin.

"Hells to the yes, damn good times, those were!"

"Bella, did you just channel Yoda on me?"

She laughed so hard she snorted. The thought crossed my mind that maybe Alice was _her_ sister with all the snorting! I put the truck in gear and drove away.

"Give me your phone, ass. It's only fair that I get to pick my ringtone, too. And you can't look at it. It has to be a surprise until I call!"

She was going call me? Score! I dug my Crackberry out of my pocket and handed it over. I studied her out of the corner of my eye as she was trolling through the library of tones. Her brow was furrowed in concentration. Suddenly, her face relaxed and she let out a tiny laugh. By then we'd landed at my condo. I parked the Caddy and Bella gave me back my phone. She was humming 500 Miles.

"Welcome to my home, Bella." I whispered as I opened the door.

She crossed the threshold and stopped. I wasn't prepared for the sudden standstill, so I collided with her back. She smelled so damn good. I buried my face in her hair and inhaled deeply. My arms, of their own accord, went to her waist to finger the chain that bisected her body. Then, they moved further down to encircle her hips. My fingertips gripped slightly and pulled her even closer to me. I swear if I'd crawled into her skin I still wouldn't be close enough. When my steel shaft met the softness of her ass Bella whimpered. Must. Taste. Her. I dragged my hands up her sides to cup her jaw. Feather light, tiny kisses were dotted along the sensitive flesh there. I heard my name on a ragged breath. Bella turned her head to meet my lips and mine was spinning with need. At first contact a shock shivered down my spine and set every cell in my body aflame. I felt her hand snake around the back of my head, fingers tunneling into my hair. Mouths open, meshed, tasting, devouring. Our tongues were stroking, seeking, meeting, mating.

"So damn sweet," I murmured against her mouth and I felt her smile in the kiss.

"Edward?"

"Hmm, Bella?" My mouth was working the skin below her ear.

"Where's the kitchen?"

I couldn't stop the chuckle. This woman would be the end of me. There were no two ways about it. Grasping her chin gently, I turned her around. I felt her quaking with silent laughter.

"Ah."

She broke away from me and then she was in her element. Bella, goddess of the kitchen, standing amidst stainless steel and granite. My place had never felt more like a home than it did tonight. It was all because of her. She prattled around, looking for the things she needed. I was enthralled. The opening and closing of doors and cabinets was so soothing that I almost forgot my gift. I smothered a snicker with a cough as I presented her with the gift bag.

"What's this?"

"Open it."

She dove into the bag and pulled out the black fabric. A shower of red glitter rained to the tile floor as she unfolded it. A tiny smirk lifted the corner of her lips as she read the words. I was bracing myself for the backlash of insults that were sure to follow. To my surprise, she winked at me, then put the apron on and sauntered toward me. Bella pivoted and gave me her back, expecting me to tie the strings. My usually dexterous hands were graceless as I fashioned a bow right above the swell of her ass. The instant my task was finished I heard her whisper softly.

"I've got your bitch, Edward."

Ungh. I think I just swallowed my mother fucking tongue.

Twenty minutes later Alice and Jasper arrived. I still hadn't recovered. Ali went into the kitchen with wine in tow, leaving Jas and I to talk shit and drink beer.

"So, that's the one that got away?"

I nodded. She was indeed the one.

"What the hell, Jas, no sports talk. You're just going to dive right in? Alice is a bad fucking influence, dude. I thought you Southerners were polite."

"Hey, I thought you might appreciate the direct approach! No bullshit questions. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, have you any idea what my little wifey has planned for this evening?"

"Hells to the no, Jas! She wouldn't tell me and I didn't push the subject. She's scary when she gets something in her head like this!"

He laughed, then clinked his bottle of Rolling Rock against mine.

"True that."

"I am so fucked, Jas."

"Ha, yeah I know, bro, but ain't love grand?"

There was more meaningless conversation about hospital gossip and the Seahawks until the girls came out of hiding. Alice bounced into Jasper's lap. Bella sat down beside me.

"Bells, this is my other half, Jasper Whitlock. Jasper, this is my best and oldest friend Bella Swan."

They exchanged pleasantries and I got a kick out of watching Bella as Jasper spoke. I wasn't joking about the Southernese. She must have read my mind because she looked at me and gave a minute nod. It was strange watching them all interact. I felt like I was watching them from outside my body. This could have been my life under other circumstances. I threw myself into the conversation after that, determined to enjoy the here and now. I'd inched closer and closer to Bella until her thigh was flush with mine.

"Hey, ass, go open the wine and pour Bella and Jasper some!"

"You want a glass of shut the fuck up, Alice? I'll get the biggest one I can find!"

Fuck me sideways, my sister was all over ruining my juju tonight. I knew there was no reasoning with her, so I went.

Upon my return, Bella's smile was more than worth the trip. I sat back down next to her just as close as before I was sent to fetch the vino. I all but choked on my wine when her hand came to rest on my knee. Breathe, Cullen, I admonished myself. Our foursome talked about varied subjects for nearly an hour before Bells announced dinner was ready. It was then I noticed that she had almost finished an entire bottle of chardonnay alone. And she hadn't eaten. Not good. The meal followed the same easy pattern but Swan was wasted by the time I served the tiramisu. With a forkful of cake, Bella's alcohol brazened ass asked Jasper about his sister.

"Jasssper, what kind of fucked up name is Renesme?"

She was really slurring. Holy fuck.

"Well, my mother decided to name her after our grandmothers, Renatta and Esmeralda. Hence, Nessie was dubbed."

"Wow, I understand perfectly now Alice! I wouldn't let 'em name 'er either!" And then Bella hiccupped. "Nessie, like the monster?"

Jas nodded and smiled widely. Alice and I were practically howling with laughter. This shit was priceless and I couldn't wait to heckle her about it tomorrow.

"What the fuck are you laughing at, Edward? Our mothers are Renee and Esme, so that totally coulda been _our kid."_

I was sober, instantly. Ali took that instant to make eye contact with me. She feigned a yawn and took her husband by the hand and led him to the door.

"Goodnight Bells, sleep it off and call me tomorrow! I programmed my digits for you!" She gave me a strange look.

No sooner than they cleared the driveway my cell buzzed. It was a text from Ali.

_**-U owe me, bitch. No quite according to plan, but still. At least she's spending the night. ;)**_

_**-Ur the bitch. Great wine. When's phase 2?**_

_**-Keep u posted. Use a condom.**_

_**-Fuck u and practice what u preach, preggo. **_

I turned off my phone or Ali would text me all damn night for updates. I threw it on the coffee table. I kicked off my shoes and headed into the hall just in time to see Bella stumbling toward me. The expression on her face was a little intense.

"Take me to bed, Edward. I need you to love me."

I groaned. She was so fucking out of it and had no idea what she was saying.

"I love you. I've always loved you."

Goddamn, drunken confessions were not part of the plan. My heart, on the other hand was thrilled to hear those words from her.

"Bella, you're tanked, baby. Let me put you to bed."

"Bed," she purred. "C'mon."

She hooked her finger into my belt loop, trying to drag me down the hall to my room. I stopped struggling and let her lead me. God forbid she hurt herself. She was clumsy as fuck anyway. Thankfully, I'd left the bedside lamp on earlier so the bedroom was easy for her to find.

Once inside my room, Bella was hell bent on getting naked. Clothes were flying everywhere. When she stepped in front of me again she was all dewy skinned and flushed from the alcohol. She was never more beautiful or vulnerable to me than now. She dropped to her knees and was earnestly concentrating on getting my belt undone.

"Bella, baby, please stop."

I was hard enough to drive fucking nails and she wasn't stopping her quest to get me out of my pants. I was still trying to reason with her when they whooshed down my legs, along with my boxers. Her hot mouth was licking the head of my cock in an instant. My hands fisted in her hair, intent on halting her. Well, that was until she enveloped me inside the heat of her mouth and slid me to the back of her throat. The vibrations of her moaning while I was entrenched were fucking sublime. There was no other word. I had to shut this down and I had to do it now, while I still could. Mustering every ounce of will power I possessed, I disengaged and stepped away. She leaned back on her heels to gaze at me.

"Don't you want me, Edward?"

If she only knew. I wanted her so damn bad. My dick was throbbing for release and it demanded it happen inside her mouth. The expression on her face was so forlorn, almost like someone had kicked her dog. I hated that look and my cock hated me. But I'd rather it be this way than _**her**_ hating me. I scooped her up and laid her gently on my bed. I just wanted to stare at her, to make a mental image of this moment. I was terrified that it would never happen again.

"You have no idea just how much I want you, Isabella. _**Really, you have no idea**_. I'm so tired of trying to stay away from you."

"Then don't."

I climbed in onto the other side of the bed and promptly pulled her against me. Spooning with her didn't for one second help my situation, but blue balls wouldn't kill me. Bella was another story. I reached over her and snapped off the lamp. She wiggled her ass right against my hard on.

"Bella."

My teeth were clenched and my whole body was tense. She giggled then released a sigh.

"Never leave me again, Edward. I'm not me without you."

Not long after that divulgence, her breathing started to even. The steady cadence of it was pulling me under. She was in my arms and everything was right with the world. I leaned directly over her ear and placed a tiny kiss. I might never hold her again so there was so fucking much I needed to get off my chest. Where did I start?

"I'm so sorry I walked away from you. I suffered too, but I'm the only one to blame. _**Please**_ give me this chance to try and make it up to you. I'll do anything. Stay with me. Love me. Marry me. I love you too much to ever let you go again."

The echo of her words reverberated inside my head. She loved me. Even after everything. Hope reared its head once more.

She. Loved. Me.

{A/N—So my Edward has been dubbed Dr. Curseward. What in the hell should we call Bella? I'm open to suggestions! Press the blue link and review! }


	9. Chapter 9

_**Just Disclaimer:  
The character names belong to Stephenie Meyer. If I would have written those books there sure as hell woulda been more than some pillow biting! I own nothing besides some really obscene thoughts of Rob Pattinson and myself and a laptop. And let me just say-holy hell those thoughts are HAWT! **_____

_**Here come the Thank Yous:**_

••_**First and foremost, love to my beta, Edward's Eternal. She never ceases to amaze me with her wit and humor! She wants to make me soup when I'm sick, which is all the freakin' time lately! You are the bomb dot com, the dictionary to my thesaurus. **___

••_**And secondly to my Yo, of A.S.T., who gives me feedback and strokes my ego. You know how we artistic types need that shit! May the late night convos and Skeletor bashings continue forever, or until Alex comes to his senses. (Preferably the latter!) Viking sized GP for you!**_

••_**The S.H.O.W. Girls, who complete me. Blue Balls and Intercourse await the Harem, which seems to keep recruiting the menfolk. Beards and asses and meatballs, oh my! WaWas and TastyKakes all around!**_

_**I *lvoe* you birches. ;)**_

_**And yes, LVOE is a word.**_

••_**And last but never least, my readers, who keep this Southern girl writing even when I wanna throw in the towel. Thanks for standing by.**_

_**NOW—let's shake the lemon tree and see what falls out, shall we?**_

_**Happy reading my TwiDarlings!**_

_**TwistedNTempted/Eliza Randall 2011 ™**_

_You know it only breaks my heart  
To see you standing in the dark alone  
Waiting there for me to come back  
I'm too afraid to show_

If it's coming over you  
Like it's coming over me  
I'm crashing like a tidal wave  
That drags me out to the sea  
And I wanna be with you  
And you wanna be with me  
I'm crashing like a tidal wave

And I don't wanna be  
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded…

_Stranded—Plumb_

_Chapter 9_

_**These tears are turning me to rust**_

•_Bella•_

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

Edward was holding me.

"I'm going to the hospital. I got a call about your labs. Sleep and I'll be back soon."

"Hmm?"

I heard Edward chuckle and I sighed as he placed a kiss near my temple. I was so warm and the smell of him was surrounding me. It was the dream again. I was at peace, no nightmares, no screaming. It was the way it should be, just me in his arms. If this was a dream, leave me sleeping. This is where I belonged, where I needed to be. Contentment lay in the place between fantasy and reality. Let me go on dreaming…

The Land of Nod let go of me far too soon and thrust me into a world of agony. My head weighed a thousand pounds and was full of sand. That same evil sand had filled my mouth like the Sahara. Maybe I'd eaten a cactus or two along the way too, at least it tasted that way. I was never drinking again. My eyelashes hurt and there were gremlins playing rock music at high decibels with lots of bass inside my skull. And I was naked, _**naked, in Edward Cullen's bed**_. Where was Edward? A memory or perhaps it was a fantasy, crept into my aching mind of him telling me he was going to the hospital. I lay there in the dim morning light and tried to piece together the night before. Oh my damn, I was never drinking again. I threw my arm over my churning stomach and thought. Shit, that smarted. Note to self, no thinking whilst hung over. _**Everything hurt**_. My heart held the most of it though.

I recalled the kiss, the apron, then Alice, Jasper and dinner. And wine, lots and lots of wine. Endless glasses of chardonnay had dulled the pain and confusion of my life, at least temporarily. I was instantly jealous of Alice and her happiness. I hated myself for it. I hated myself for cutting her out of my life. It looked like I'd missed so much. She was married and was going have a baby that she planned to name _**after me**_. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve any of it. Edward had walked away from me, so I walked away from Alice. In my self-loathing, solace was found hiding at the bottom of a bottle of fermented grapes. Being with the three of them was so easy, the epitome of normalcy. Jasper was so well suited to Ali that I couldn't have chosen better for her if I tried. He was sweet, attentive and had the most incredible voice. I could fully understand the attraction. They were happy and in love. I was envious of the couple because I was sad and alone. Seeing Ali and Edward spar as they always had brought back so much of the past. The past hurt, so I drowned the pain with wine. And I threw myself at Edward. Well, that explains the "naked in his bed" thing. The sting of rejection still lingered. I thought after the way he kissed me by the door that he wouldn't turn me away. I was dead wrong.

I threw my hand over my eyes and tried to quell the nausea that was attacking. I needed water and ibuprofen. I sat up and the world tilted on its axis. It was in that moment I noticed Edward had placed a bottle of pain reliever and a bottle of water on the bedside table. I downed a few and half the bottle before the room spun again. Closing my eyes seemed to be the best plan of action. _**I had thrown myself at Edward**_. A slightly metallic taste filled my mouth and I got that weird feeling under my tongue. I was going to throw up. I bolted from the bed, becoming entangled somehow in the sheet that was twisted about me. In my haste to not upchuck all over Edward's room, I knocked over the night stand. The crash made me cringe and hold my head on my short trip. Once inside the bathroom, that he'd thankfully left the door ajar to, I rushed to the toilet and expelled until there was nothing left. Then the dry heaves took over. I wanted to die. I. Was. Never. Drinking. Again. I don't know how long I rested my head against the cool porcelain before I felt quasi-normal. I needed to clean up the mess I'd made of both myself _and_ his bedroom.

I had nothing but time to think about my actions of the night before while I enjoyed Edward's shower. Why had he denied me? He'd made it clear he still wanted me. I offered myself only to have it thrown back into my face. Why kept running through my head. I blamed the alcohol and my self conscious demanding that I stop fighting our attraction for my actions, but what excuse did he have? It required facing him to find out and I was terrified of that. I lathered up in his body wash and damn near crumpled to the bottom of the stall at the comfort that being coated in his scent gave me. If only I could slide right down the drain like the discarded bubbles everything would be so simple. When the hot water ran out, I wrapped up in Edward's robe I found hanging on the back of the door. I used his toothbrush and set out to right the bedroom.

The drawer was missing from the night stand and the shade had come completely off the lamp, but wasn't broken. It took me forever to retrieve the damn screw that had held it on. I finally found it by crawling around on my hands and knees. I also found the drawer and a large number of envelopes and a silver ribbon. I took a deep breath and prayed these weren't love letters from some other woman. I couldn't handle that today, or ever, if I admitted the facts. Hastily, I began gathering them together, assuming they had been in the drawer when I killed it. Some of them were yellowed with age. Stacking them together I had a rather startling revelation. My name was scrawled across all of them. What? All of these were for me? Opening the one in my hand I read:

_Bella, _

_Life is all about circles it seems. You left Phoenix for Forks. I left Forks for Phoenix. Everywhere I turn in this place I wonder if you've been here. It's too bright, too sunny. And it's lonely. I miss you. Your picture is my constant companion. So if life is really about circles maybe you'll come back to me again…_

Hot tears filled my eyes and rolled down my face forcing me to stop reading. I saw them splashing on the page and marring Edward's flowing script. How could he have written this and never sent it? There were so many! I picked up another.

_Bella, _

_It's the middle of the night. I woke up from a dream that we were lying in the meadow. It was just the way that it used to be. Just you and me happy and together. I woke up and realized where I was and I was without you…_

It seemed that I hadn't suffered alone. Why didn't he mail these letters? I would have been happy with any form of communication! I just wanted to know that he hurt like me. I wanted reassurance that I wasn't miserable while he was living it up in Phoenix. He was hurting _but he left me_! He could have come home and done us both a grand favor! I didn't want to keep reading, yet I couldn't stop. Was I crossing the line by doing it? Probably. Did it stop me? No. They were addressed to me. They were mine. I continued my prying.

_Bella,_

_Happy Birthday, Baby. I wish for nothing more than to be able to hold you and run my fingers through your hair. I miss you. Those three words don't even begin to say how much. I know you probably hate me, but I hope in time you'll forgive me for walking away. I couldn't take the pressure anymore. I don't want to be in Carlisle's shadow. I have my own dreams that have nothing to do with medicine. Everybody wants a piece of me and I fear that I've got nothing left to give…_

I remembered this particular birthday. It was my eighteenth. I was counting the days until college started and I could start fresh. I was going to the University of Washington, where no one knew me as "that broken hearted girl". I'd alienated everyone here in Forks. I was putting my life back together. It was then that I realized I wanted to be a journalist. Things had worked out, but years later, my heart was still not mine, I'd just learned to live a half-life. Needing to know more about his state of mind, I moved to another envelope, another sheaf of paper. I read every one of those god forsaken letters. Some of them were creased from being opened again and again. I watched Edward's handwriting change from small and neat to large and slashed. It was almost like his pain was being poured straight into the paper. The last one hurt the most. Maybe it was because it contained a picture of us together at prom. The sterling rose corsage he'd given me had shiny, silver ribbons. He had tied these together with that ribbon? I reached out, grabbed the piece of satin and twirled it around my fingers. I didn't think I could hurt anymore, but I did. I was a never-ending fountain of pain. Studying the picture again, noting that neither of us were looking at the camera, I smiled a little. We only had eyes for each other. This moment was forever frozen in time. Frozen, just like me. I couldn't get past him. I buried myself in his words one more time.

_Isabella,_

_I've sat for hours with the phone in my hand dialing your number only to hang up before it rang. Ali said you couldn't be friends with her anymore. Please don't punish her because I'm selfish and stupid. You are her best friend. It was bad enough that I left you, but now you're losing her too. I can't take this anymore. Forget Carlisle and all the pressure, I'm coming home to you. I'm packing tonight. Tomorrow I'll be there. Home. I'm coming home to you, Baby._

But he didn't come home that day. He didn't come home until I was long gone. God, I could see now why he left Forks, but how could he not have enough faith in me, _**in us**_, to lean on me? We were young, but the feelings were real. He was my world. He still was. That truth was acidic and it burned as I swallowed it down. I was tired of running from it. I felt raw, almost like I'd been turned inside out and dragged over open, rocky ground. I had all this information, but what was I to do with it? It wasn't like we could undo what was done. I still loved Edward and I was pretty sure he still had some kind of feelings for me, but could we get past, well, the past? If I was a match for Jake I had four weeks to decide. Forks was home, no matter how it hurt here. Charlie was here and Jake, but now Alice and Edward. The ties that bind were becoming increasingly tighter. There was so much I was unsure of. But of three things I was positive. First, Edward was the love of my life, the missing piece of me. Second, there was a part of him - and I didn't know how dominant that part might be - that still wanted me even after all this time and space. And third, I was unconditionally, irrevocably in love with him. Everything was riding on the lab results. The words to Michael Buble's Home came to me.

_**Maybe surrounded by  
A million people I  
Still feel all alone  
I wanna go home  
Oh, I miss you, you know**_

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you  
Each one a line or two  
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"  
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough  
My words were cold and flat  
And you deserve more than that

Another airplane  
Another sunny place  
I'm lucky I know  
But I wanna go home  
I've got to go home

Let me go home  
I'm just too far from where you are  
I wanna come home

There was nothing else to do but wait and cry. Hot, furious tears of confusion streamed down, splashing the page, the ribbon and the picture of us that I held on to like a lifeline.

That was how Edward found me.

"Bella, what—"

The smile he'd been wearing melted away quickly. Horror was written all over his face. There was also fear and shame.

"Why? Why would you write all these and never send them? I would have given anything to have the slightest inkling that you were so unhappy!"

"I thought it was best that I didn't contact you. I knew you were miserable and I didn't want to make it worse by dumping my shit on you."

His voice cracked a little as he spoke and it broke something inside of me. Was there anything left to break? I was tired of being shattered. I just wanted to be whole again and I wanted closure. I wanted it yesterday. Patience was never my strong point.

"You drove away and never once looked back! Or that's what you wanted me to think! Now, I know better! Edward, I was like that because _**you**_ left me. I couldn't function. I was hurting because I missed _**you**_! You didn't have enough faith in me to let me help you. I would walk through fire for you!"

I was shaking the letter in my hand at him.

"Would? Present tense? Do you still love me, Bella?"

He was pulling out all the stops. Dammit, not now!

"Don't. I'm not finished yet."

I refused to let the subject go. I needed answers!

"It's a simple question, Isabella."

"It's not a simple answer, Edward."

"How well I know. The only thing that ever came naturally to me was loving you. I never stopped. I left Forks to protect you. I thought that leaving would give you the space to find someone who deserved you."

"You're so damn obtuse, Cullen! There was never anyone else who mattered. It's always been you! And maybe you should stop thinking as it's _**clearly not**_ working for you!"

He sank to his knees in front of me and lowered his head. The paper he clutched floated to the plush carpet. His hands raked through his hair and held on.

"I'm just a man, Bella. I'm human. I make mistakes. Hey, I just might have made more than my fair share, but I can't take it back. I know that I have no right to seek your forgiveness, but here I am anyway. I need you to forgive me. I've learned to live without really living. I've been dead inside since the day I left Forks. _**I came back here for you**_. Did you know that? I took the job at the hospital in hopes that I'd catch a glimpse of you. I saw you, six months ago while you were having a meal with Jake and Charlie at the diner. I stood at the window; half hoping you'd see me and half hoping that you wouldn't. I walked away because I'm a fucking coward, Bella. You looked happy and I had no right to intrude. Then you practically fell into my arms and I've been treading water ever since. I don't know what to do. I just want to give up and drown- in you."

I reached out and stroked his face.

"Edward, I'm angry and confused. I won't deny it. But more than that, I hurt. I've cried oceans of tears and I'm _**still**_ crying. There are days when I don't want to leave my bed. At times I miss you so damn much that I can't breathe. The hurt has been my friend for years. I've grown accustomed to the pain it brings. It reminds me that I'm alive and the love I had for you was once returned. That pain helps me remember that I meant something to someone."

"You still do, Bella. So damn much. Can't you fucking see that?"

I could see that, but I needed the words and actions to prove his point. I wanted it all.

"Really? Yeah, I can tell. You were quick to deny me last night."

And just like that the anger that had dulled became razor sharp and cutting.

"Goddammit, Bella, you were drunk! You really have no clue how much I wanted to lay you down and devour you! You were naked and in front of me, begging for my attention. The look on your face made me hard enough to drive nails! Being inside you would have been like heaven, but I couldn't. If that had happened you would have hated me and yourself today. I didn't want to give you another piece of ammunition to shoot me down with."

He was right. I'd give him that much credit. I would have hated him. I was drunk, vulnerable and fucking stupid. That was not the case right now, well not the drunk part anyway.

"Show me."

"What?"

"I'm sober, now."

I was a blotchy, tear stained, soggy mess, but I was sober and I needed him.

"Bella—"

I laid my fingers across his lips to silence him. I reveled in the softness and shape of them. I knew what they were capable of. The thought made my entire body tingle with need.

"I think we're done talking right now, Edward. _**Show me you want me**_."

He kissed my fingertips and spoke around them.

"I always have."

Those weren't the three words I wanted, but they were a healing balm to my aching soul. This wasn't going to be gentle or tender. This was about need. It was I needed and what he needed. Our eyes met and the blackness of his was pulling me in. I was falling into the dark pools, ringed with a cinnamon border. Edward brought his lips so close to mine I could practically taste them. His breath hitting my mouth made my blood race. He was feeding the fire that burned inside of me. The flame that had always burned only for him was glowing with the light of a thousand suns. He kissed the side of my jaw, down to my neck and then to my ear. His wickedly delicious tongue circled my lobe before his voice came to me.

"I want you so badly, Isabella. Are you ready for me? Because I'm ready to eat you alive. I want you to scream my name. Hold on, baby."

My body jerked involuntarily at his words. I was a puppet and he was pulling my strings. His mouth crashed into mine. Edward's tongue was twisting, twirling against mine. They battled for dominance. My fingers rushed to tunnel through his hair. I gripped tightly and pulled him closer to me. He moaned my name, which was almost unrecognizable as I swallowed it with my greedy lips. His hands came to cup my face, holding me immobile as the brutal but sensual onslaught continued against my lips. The taste of him left me dizzy. When he let go of my face I sobbed. He dragged his hands down to the knot holding his robe in place and deftly untied it. I was bared to him, no longer hidden, all my flushed skin on display. He kissed the salty patches on my face away before his lips landed against my collar bone. I was aching for some sort of release, so I arched my back, pressing my breasts against his chest. The buttons on his shirt abraded my unbearably stiff nipples. The friction was great but I needed to be skin to skin with Edward. I grabbed the sides of his black button down and pulled. Buttons skittered around us. The ping of them hitting around us was a satisfying sound. I felt him smile against my skin. I roughly shoved the sleeves off his shoulders and threw the ruined garment away from us. I fumbled with his jeans, unfastening them and unzipping was becoming a challenge. I growled in frustration. His hands joined mine and I welcomed the assistance. When they were undone, I reached inside and was elated to find only hot, naked skin. There was a bead of moisture already pearling at the engorged head of his cock. Edward bit my neck as I stroked the length of him. I yelped as he marked me. I didn't care! I wanted the world to see that I belonged to this man. I craved him so damn badly I was no longer content to let him run the show. Letting go of the part of him I needed most, I ran my hands down his back and shoulders before I dug my nails into his ass. He thrust forward, hitting my swollen sex. I whimpered as I tugged at his pants. Finally, finally there were no barriers, just Bella and Edward.

His body pressed me into back into the carpet. I was covered in six plus feet of male perfection. I'd proudly wear this outfit for the rest of my life, as this never went out of style. Sexy was always in. Edward had apparently grown tired of letting me lead, which was fine by me as long as he hurried. My arms were still inside the sleeves of his robe which helped Edward to restrain me by holding my hands behind my head. It wasn't comfortable by any means but the need was outweighing any discomfort. His free hand roughly rolled and pulled at my nipple. I arched against him, pleading with my body for more. He answered by licking the peak and then using his teeth. Starbursts flash behind my eyes. Only my skin held me together underneath him. The other nipple got the same attention before Edward moved his hand to my center. I was feverish, charring from the inside. Long fingers dragged along the length of my lower lips before he opened them. Plucking at my clit, he released my hands, freeing up his other one. He slammed two fingers into me causing me to scream his name. I thought I was coming apart when the flat of his tongue met my heated flesh. I was tumbling of the precipice again and he wasn't even inside me yet. I was going to die from spontaneous combustion! At least he was true to his word. I had screamed his name and had a feeling I was nowhere near done.

"Edward, please. I need you."

"Is that right, Isabella?"

I whimpered in response. The thick head of him passed over the sensitive bundle of nerves at my center, causing me to buck against him. He urged me to turn over and get on my hands and knees. As soon as I complied Edward was braced over me, weaving his hands into my hair and tightening it in his fist. My head was pulled back sharply, pleasure spiked with pain. His lips came to rest at my ear, his breath hot against my face. Without any further ado, he pounded his way inside me. I groaned for just a moment at the wonder of being filled all the way and then some. The moment was all I had before his body was battering mine. He was using my hair for leverage, finding _**that**_ spot inside me that drove me to madness. The mindless frenzy that over took us both flew me to a higher plane of need than I knew existed. Edward stroked me relentlessly, never losing momentum, just hard, dirty fucking. I was nearly a quivering mass of nothingness when he reached to flick my nub with the rhythm of him moving in and out. I chanted his name as I succumbed to him once more and finally felt him join me in a hot rush. His weight fell on my back and I was blissfully crushed beneath him. I was going to have a hell of a rug burn on my knees later, but it was definitely worth it.

Later, who knows how much time had passed, I lay on Edward's chest. His fingers were idly massaging my scalp. The aches of being so well serviced were surfacing. My whole body was a constant throb, but I wouldn't change a damn thing about our sexcapade. We were both quiet, maybe pondering what had just gone down. I was reflecting on the steaminess that happened, no doubt about it. I could never really tell what Edward was thinking. Words would ruin the moment so I didn't dare ask what was on his mind. I just closed my eyes, inhaled the smell of him and us, and concentrated on the cadence of his heart. Sated and lazy, I had almost drifted off to sleep when the wall of his chest rumbled.

"Told ya."

"You. Are. An. Ass. But I admit you followed through quite nicely."

Smug bastard, but I was pretty damn smug myself.

"I have some news for you, Baby."

He called me baby. I wanted to laugh, but I didn't.

"Do tell, Cullen."

"You're a good match for Jake. It's not a perfect match, but it's good. I have a proposition for you, as well."

Dread gathered in the pit of my stomach, but I opted for humor.

"Um, I'm pretty sure I'll need some rest before any other "propositions".

I'd even used air quotes.

"Stay with me."

My mouth had no words, but my heart beat out a steady, unquestionable yes.

{A/N- I don't own the rights to either of the songs used in this chapter, but I did buy em on iTunes if that helps. As always let me know what you think!}


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